Truth Speaking–Amen

Definition of amen  (this is highly relevant)

  1. —used to express solemn ratification (as of an expression of faith) or hearty approval (as of an assertion)

Dear Maggie,

I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you.  You have always been impossible.   When people behave badly to you it is because you need to change….not because they have work to do on themselves.  It is not that they are incapable of being loving.  It is your unworthiness.  Clearly.  None the less, we would allow you to join US for dinner.
Meeting Randy and collaborating with someone who knows you to be as difficult as we do has been like a breath of fresh air.  Totally affirming.  As soon as you do as we like- transform yourself into someone who does not cause others to be abusive, and withholding, we will be ready to consider this healthy connection you claim to want.  Until then, there is really nothing we can or are willing to do.
It is not that we are unloving— so much as that you are and always have been unlovable.  As soon as you acknowledge this and get to work on it, we will be ready for something better.  If you have discomfort around us, that is your problem.  why must you try to make us concern ourselves.  Don’t you get it, you are responsible for your own bad feelings as well as for ours.  you have no power to change or discuss, only option is to pretend.  Just do it!
That you worked through a litigious divorce after a loveless marriage to move here in partnership with Randy is miraculous.  To have forfeited that just by being you and all that you may have said or done in the previous 4 decades is unfortunate.  We claim to not be angry but seize every opportunity to discuss with others your sins…that we are not mad about.
In spite of being the mean spirited bully you always have been, we would allow you to sit at our table.  You don’t even have to thank us.  The truth is we want access to your boys and will do anything to have it— but work though OUR mess.  Having Randy has been a nice way to circumvent this.  He is so willing and accommodating.  Even he might forgive you if you would just do as you are told. The boys are old enough to handle the added stress of this triangulation. 
Please stop asking to heal the damage.  The divisive email was necessary and we choose to be in charge of the division and expect you to just accept your lot and come when called.
 Just take your well-earned licks and chalk it up to sucking and saying unfortunate things over the course of your life.  You owe us.   We will never directly acknowledge or apologize for any word or action of our own. 
While we have compromised the quality of our relationships with your boys, we are confident that over time we can win them with cool gifts and parties and compliments..  Rest assured this email will go unanswered as do most or we will respond affirming our rightness and your unworthiness as Frank did 20 years ago and again from Catherine each time you refused an uncomfortable gathering over the last 10 years.  We hate the way you handle your pain AND are unwilling to acknowledge that we have anything to do with the strain you feel in our company. 
We like to tell others how you flipped out at our therapy session and had to leave the room.  We don’t tell them why or that you were pregnant and had an eleven month old– and miscarried on that day…just that you are a disaster.  Again, we would let you come back despite the fact we have insured you can never truly be comfortable with those included in the family email your sister graciously composed in order to save the family.    She would do anything for OUR family, including let you come back to it.
The Collective

I was cleaning out my email and came across this affirming “sentiment” from my female sibling.  Affirming because for nearly 5 decades she undermined and diminished me while engaging in schemes and conversations intended to convey love, concern, and a true desire for peace and unity.  FOO always claiming it is I who misunderstands what is really going on.  That I don’t get it.  My confusion and delusion are the only real issues.  I totally get it!  And yes, that shit is confusing.


So, Feeling distraught by the confusion and pain of the claims my sister makes, to want family in conjunction with her oppositional and divisive initiatives, I composed the below email- sharing how it looks from my side and sent it to my FOO from my work email address.  I wanted to let my mother and sister know how I experience them.  Foolishly, I anticipated a response, like OMG, how awful that you think that.  How terrifying and painful.  We must talk.  Sooooo, not what happened.

The pic shows my sister’s singular response of Amen, copied to my mother and me and the only concern expressed, after realizing they had exposed themselves, was “what kind of sicko would write that letter?”  Well, I suppose a deeply wounded soul would write that with hopes of being acknowledged or allowed to share more directly.  Would an equally good question be “What kind of sickO would say AMEN??”  or what sort of mother promotes this between her children?  After they understood that it was to/from me and that undeniable truth–  revealed unapologetically in writing– had been provided, there was no effort to elevate and no way to deny the state of things.  The thought of my children in their presence is nauseating.

Above is the email from me firstinitial.lastname@workemail….  (Since they never respond, I assumed they had me blocked from my personal email)   Remember, I wrote this!  They didn’t recognize the email address and approved of the sentiments to include me in their responses.  One more time my sister shows her teeth and her ass and everyone turns it around, as if that one word in response to that letter is anything but hate.

Oh wait, it gets better.  While there is no judgment or questioning of my sister’s behaviors devastate MY family, it is the widely held belief that she is of maximum service to us as a unit– and that my unwillingness to sit at the table with her or any group of people who behave this way is problematic, withholding, unreasonable, on my part.  Oh  Okaaay.  Who could survive and mange that for nearly 5 decades without being disturbed.  I own that I am deeply disturbed by this disturbing relationship.  To not be disturbed would be sociopathic, IMHO.

If I can capture her other wrathful other email in a pic, I may post at a later date.  She ccd all of her family and my ex-inlaws.  I just don’t see how she gets any credit for kindness or wholesomeness.  Her behavior right now today in the present is hateful.  The only miracle is in my knowing that is a reflection of her, not me.  Recovering from this, while living in close proximity requires a lot of sharing.


Much Love,
Magda Gee

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4 Replies to “Truth Speaking–Amen”

  1. What th’…!

    Are you making this all up? I can’t believe that anyone has so little self-insight as to write this sort of email to a sister. Are you making up your whole life? Some of it sounds realistic, but some of it…?
    Really, Maggie, your sister sounds SICKkkkkkk…. Did she catch something from your mother when she was but a child?
    Or are you pulling my (our?) leg? It’s just beyond weird! Even calling herself “the Collective……” Nobody does that! Were you kidnaped and brought up by fairies? Or was she brought up by ogres? I’d never accuse wolves of doing such a job on a child. Wolves are GOOD. I’ve known a few, and they are loving, soft and sweet.

    Even my mother had a good heart under layers of rage and self-pity. She lied a lot, too, while insisting she never did. She was very beautiful, which is confusing to a daughter who does not in any way resemble her mom. The rage and self-pity I could do, but growing boobs like hers, or FEET – at age 86, her feet could be used to model footie kinds of things in magazines. Or SKIN. An well, poor old me. At least I love dogs, which she didn’t do.

    Many hugs and lots of maple syrup, another favorite of mine –


    1. Jaaaaaay jaaaaay-
      No, I wrote the letter as if I were my female sibling, expressing all the things she suggested by her behavior and which she denies emphatically. When she read it, she emailed reply all to me and my mother saying “amen”. As ToneA pointed out, that she said it to me is fucked up, that she said AMEN comfortably to my mother says it all. I am not an asshole for having boundaries with them to protect my children from people who think so little of their mother. It is insane. All of it. But at least my sister has again shown her teeth and ass in ways that cannot be denied. She is not well intended or kind hearted. Her behavior towards me has not been my entire life. Only I had enough recovery to let her cook her own goose and show the world who she really is and what she is willing to say and to do. xoxox

  2. Wait….so maybe your “female sibling” did not know she was sending her AMEN to you…but she was comfortable to say that to your mother. That says it all.

    Getting the eff away from them is a wise move. My mother is not close with my siblings or me, but she would never tolerate or be open to hearing anyone, especially one of us hate on the other. Ever. She may not be all cuddly, but she would protect us. I am sorry for your experience and learn form your shares. I do not relate to having had a similar experience only to having been part of dynamics or cliques that were not as kind as they could have been.

    Live your life in peace. They do not love you in any way that is wholesome or badass.
    Take care of you, and your precious ones.

    #kthanksbye 100%

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