Ugh…my boys deserve much much more than they are being allowed. Deep sigh. I am more tired of this grief than anyone is of hearing 
about it. The most painful part is that my family denies that there is anything to grieve and that my need to do so, is further proof of my well-earned banishment, and overall defective and troublesome existence. I have committed to the process of releasing my family, all of them. I don’t know why I thought my mother’s cancer or my move here would have changed anything. It really did not, it changed my geography and my willingness to show up– to be of service at a critical time. And it allowed for my ex and my sister to get to know each other and to enjoy(while denying) a shared contempt for me. They both get the ultimate triumph at the expense of my innocent young sons. I divorced myself from each of them for identical reasons and now they are affirmed and gleefully(no joke) united. Seriously, is it acceptable anywhere for a woman to bond with her sister’s ex at sister’s children’s expense? I cannot help but judge. I see why my ex is into it. Totally. He is far more forgivable here than she is..I guess because she claims to care so deeply for family and my sons-but these actions are so diametrically opposed to family values or any values, really. When I asked him to step away so that maybe we could heal, he laughed and said; “Why should I? They have zero intent to work it out with you.” I suggested that he might then for the sake of our children. Deep sigh.
Here is what hurts. Through all of this, my sister has said and done things to widen the gap between my family and me, if that is even possible. Fine. She needs to do that. I never needed for anyone to choose my side…but what I foolishly did need and request was that nobody endorse or even tolerate the Nagasaki bomb she dropped on my boys’ parents, capitalizing on the natural tension between my boys’ father and me, as divorced co-parents. This, I find impossible to accept and to live with. Why is her fragile ego more important than my two young sons having divorced parents who work together to do their best for them? My children do not deserve this and I cannot stop it or protect them from it. And– I am to be unaffected by it if I desire said “peace” and proximity to my genetic family.
I find this unforgivable; too deeply wounded by the collective silent support which allows her to continue. My ex and I overcame immeasurable grief, pain and rage of a lengthy and litigious divorce. We worked miracles to move cross-country as cohesive parents. We had differing purposes but a unified plan for our family. Our re-ignited anger and division is unnecessary, evil even, and 100% unacceptable to me. Today, I release any expectation that I come from a family who can do better than this. God Bless my sons and the confusion of this and of having a deeply distraught mother. I feel as if I keep getting sent back to square 1 of the grief process or maybe square 2-Anger. And the only way to get through grief is by grieving. It seems impossible because it needs to stop, before I can complete my grieving process and that is not going to happen….or at least this is the thing I am telling myself. It is not going to stop.
And sadly, I confess to having shared more with my boys than may be best for them. They wonder why I am sad so much of the time, and I tell them what it looks like from my perspective. That my sister is making it difficult to have peace with their dad and that my mother approves and that just fucken hurts. Like Crazy!
What is a person to do? I surrender them all, but not my sons. I am no writer or wizard on healing. I share to heal and to connect, two things that are not available or tolerated within the confines of my family. So, I do it here.
As soon as I see a situation of obvious collusion between and ex and their former in-laws and *the exclusion of the former partner,* I know fuckery is involved and the agenda does not bode well for those stuck between the two. Of course one is not required to excommunicate a former in-law: However, the exclusion of the primary family member, the gang bang piling on in an effort to undermine the commonality of purpose between the parents is evil. I am not using that word loosely, for effect, for drama, in the sacred but in the secular sense, in it’s dictionary definition: “Malovelent.”
This is one of the Reddest of Red Flags, one that can be clearly seen from Google Earth of a FOO that is and always has been intentionally abusive: People whose “intentions are good” intentionally ACT “good.”
Tundra Woman-
God, totally making me weeep and sob. To have validation for the specific horror of this, the malevolence. Thank you Tundra-woman. That is why I need to share publicly, because my tiny circle of friends and support do not see or understand the true awfulness of the arrangement. I get a lot of “yeh, that sucks”..which does not help me to process and grieve.
It is absolute fuckery and pure evil, dressed in white with fancy shit, while I am less poised and composed, without any trappings of one who “has made it” in this world in comparison to the means of my FOO. I am fine, have a nice home and job, but not elitist or superior….and not complaining about that. I am a worker among workers. 100%
Please come sit on my couch and heal me some more. Thank you! I hope you will stay with me. So grateful to have been blessed by your words and presence.
Thank you!
So Much!
Magda Gee!
“However, the exclusion of the primary family member, the gang bang piling on in an effort to undermine the commonality of purpose between the parents is evil.”
Well sure, I’ll bring some peppermint tea (iced or warm) or coffee or adult libations, your choice-Glad it helped!
Yk, people say crisis builds Character and while that may be true in kids, with adults crisis REVEALS Character in my experience. And it also surfaces a lot of the underlying dynamics of one’s FOO-for better, but not infrequently for worse. The rug sweeping that’s gone on for decades, the spackling frantically to cover the ever widening cracks as they become gaping crevasses finally fails and the gloves come off.
It seems you’re dealing with several grief issues simultaneously: The death of your marriage, your mother’s terminal illness and the increasingly apparent realization any illusions about who or what your FOO and more specifically your sister is about, reality is no longer going to be held in abeyance: Ouch.
That’s a lot to juggle on top of the demands of your daily life.
You are a true hero. Yes there is a lot to grieve, and you are so warm and comforting and mothering. It is all I have ever really wanted but failed to earn. Some of my closer friends are telling me that I should stop the public sharing. That I am stopping to their level….which is as ironic as hurtful. What are my intentions in sharing besides wanting any-fucken one at all to say “me too”. And “that is not right”…or better yet to a family friend or extended family member to check them for their claim to want peace while waging war…only calling it a war, because I won’t surrender. I want someone to tell them to get the fuck off my porch, off my children and my ex. Let us live our lives in peace. I know there has to be a friend or family member with a soul and or a voice to say…really?? This is how you want to live your final days. This is how you define kindness and goodness? You can do better. They think they are soon good….entitled to wreak havoc on those who displease them. It has always been the way. Yes, some mint tea will be good. I am no angel, and even if I am Satan, my sons deserve so much more than they will ever get with this insanity and darkness they are being paraded if not dragged through by their desperate Aunt and Grandmother. I suspect my sister’s empty nest, sexual confusion, and weird fascination with and need for approval from my ex created the perfect storm. My boys and ex are her distraction from the pain of her truths. I look forward to a time when I may have the maturity and spirituality to wish her healing and wellness. Healthy and well people don’t do this. It is just easier to vilify. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently. Thank your being here.
Love,
Magda Gee