GPS Your Heart
Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions. Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less. Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart♥. I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction. What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating. Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings. The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic. My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE. Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow. I go where I grow.
While on the treadmill at the Ymca, I locked onto E!’s Khloe Kardashian- Revenge Body. Seems like, with consistent safety, love, connection and support, people tend to achieve more. This is a huuuuuge differentiator– Those who DO and those who DO NOT grow up developing connection to god, family, community, and known innate talent or favorable attributes. Those blessed with any of these are the natural Badasses of the world, knowing and striving for their full potential–achieving greatness by their own internal measure–expanding natural talents and interests and seizing opportunities to give to and to serve–and not feeling the call to diminish others to elevate themselves. And there are those of us, who just want to be Ok, one day at a time as we discover our talents/interests and what it means to truly be of service, to get clear on who or what it is we intend to serve. It was not possible for me to recognize how to strive in these ways while obsessed with efforts to avoid given threats of despair. Despair was the only thing I had faith in, before recovery. Before faith, I had no models of, or experience with patience, acceptance, discipline, self-esteem, dignity, serenity.