Self-Love

Not joining in when others diminish you.

2017 Best Practices for Self-Love

While grubbing Greg’s tasty taco/nacho  “NYE dinner” – for no good reason, I clicked an email notification from my mother, a generous re-offering that I “get over it and we can be a family”.  I am over it, just intentionally unavailable for more.  Why isn’t it, instead, my older sister’s task to stop saying and doing harmful and divisive things OR to just apologize for losing her shit AT me-so we can BE A FAMILY?  Why ask why?  Yawn.  Why are you still on this topic?  Let it go, M.  Get back to Greg and your paper-plated tacos.  Your mother and sister are not interested in what you feel or need.  You need to start a new year , already.  Wake me when something actually changes.  (more…)

Continue Reading2017 Best Practices for Self-Love

I Choose to Share, Heal, Expand-I Write the Ending

When a person touches us and it feels wrong, IT IS.  100% unacceptable– to be touched in ways that feel yucky, unwanted, unwholesome.  IT happening, is the beginning.  After the moment passes, the wreckage persists- governing all that will follow. My downward spiral continued until…. I realized I could no longer continue suffering, struggling, thinking, fearing as I had for decades.  The Gift Of Desperation— 100% clarity– IT(the residual insanity) shall no longer be denied or allowed to continue.  GOD and faith replaced fear and shame, as my new navigational tools.  Today, I am led by  Good Orderly Direction.

Being unable at the time to identify and articulate confusing encounters with my older sister (and later, others),  resulted in incomprehensible demoralization.  I became “inexplicably” hysterical while she remained artfully buttoned up.  And from there it unfolded.  The impossible girl who can’t cope and the seemingly unruffled older sister, going along as if her only real issue is her troubling sister.   She scored a shit-load of traction off of my hysteria.   In fact, it saved defined elevated her.    The dynamic made me want to disappear- to which I dedicated impressive efforts.  I used geography, alcohol, drugs, men, men on drugs, food-lots of food, no food.

(more…)

Continue ReadingI Choose to Share, Heal, Expand-I Write the Ending

Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me.  I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable.  You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start.  You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult.  If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth.   I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you.  “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. (more…)

Continue ReadingLetter to Mom

Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear

screen-shot-2016-12-20-at-11-12-55-amIt’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. For those of who’ve lost family members to death or estrangement, the holidays are difficult.  To cope, some drop from bridges into oncoming traffic while others soldier through with as many drinks or slices of pie as it takes, any number of ways to numb, more socially acceptable than honestly addressing the feelings and behaviors which would be a step toward healing and lasting connection.  I stand in solidarity with all who feel weepy, anxious, maybe even ashamed at this time of year.   Disconnection, on days in which the calendar and social media are intended as proof of connection, is difficult.  I ♥Brene Brown’s live-changing TED Talk on Vulnerability.  I am not yet healed, but now on the path to healing. (more…)

Continue ReadingMost Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear