Self-Love

Not joining in when others diminish you.

On Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body

While on the treadmill at the Ymca, I locked onto E!’s  Khloe Kardashian- Revenge Body.  Seems like, with consistent safety, love, connection and support, people tend to achieve more.  This is a huuuuuge differentiator–  Those who DO and those who DO NOT grow up developing connection to god, family, community, and known innate talent or favorable attributes.  Those blessed with any of these are the natural Badasses of the world, knowing and striving for their full potential–achieving greatness by their own internal measure–expanding natural talents and interests and seizing opportunities to give to and to serve–and not feeling the call to diminish others to elevate themselves.  And there are those of us, who just want to be Ok, one day at a time as we discover our talents/interests and what it means to truly be of service, to get clear on who or what it is we intend to serve.  It was  not possible for me to recognize how to strive in these ways while obsessed with efforts to avoid given threats of despair.  Despair was the only thing I had faith in, before recovery.  Before faith, I had no models of, or  experience with patience, acceptance, discipline, self-esteem, dignity, serenity.

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Boundaries are for Badasses

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Recovery invites me to have, recognize, and honor boundaries — my spiritual skin. I am naturally permeable, and without boundaries everything gets in and consumes me, leaving me full of other people’s information and needs, with no mental space left for God or even myself, only a need to invade someone else. My spiritual skin keeps me as me and you as you, protecting us all from the confusion of entanglement. My affiliations with my ex‑husband and my family of origin were entanglements formed before I developed boundaries — and as a consequence, they died natural deaths in response to that spiritual development.

My boundaries are dictated by my needs, limits, responsibilities, and desires. Desire I may elect to flex; I will forfeit my preference for the sake of compromise with others who are also inclined. My needs, limits, and responsibilities will be attended to. If I don’t see to them, who will. Our boundaries are our operating systems, and when two people’s operating systems are in conflict, that is evidence of incompatibility.

I feel blessed to have found someone whose operating system is compatible with my own, even complimentary.  

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Problem v. Unpleasant Fact

Tonight, my sons and I saw the movie Sing, so wholesome and fun(ish)-  the film, and going to the movies for the first time ever with my two boys.  For several reasons, we do not frequent the movies.  Even with extreme noise reduction earmuffs, it felt impossibly loud to me…and it was like a meat locker in the theatre.  If not for my sons and our special event with snacks, I would’ve walked out and waited for the dvd.  The seats were plush recliners and there were only 6 others in the theatre.  Dreamy, right? Two of those six attendees were very active and distracting for someone like myself.  I became so keenly focused on the difference between a problem and an unpleasant fact.  I was cold–there was no solution, considering leaving was not an option–Unpleasant fact, must accept.  It was too loud for me, unpleasant fact.  The two active kids whose presence competed with the volume and chill of the theatre–difficult facts–Acceptance acceptance acceptance.  Before program, I regarded anyone or anything vexing as a problem to be dealt with.

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Prayer Works!

I continue ending my days by saying thank you for the blessings in my life- for each new day between the most recent indignity from my family and me.  It is a bitter-sweet reality to be free of the dynamic.  Recovery changed me at a cellular level, allowing me to unlearn things; like believing it acceptable to attack people’s personalities or character when they disturb me.  What a menacing way to be in the world.  I recall how I would hear a fantastic insult and mentally bookmark it for future use-100% sure that attacking and diminishing were necessary and inevitable responses to disturbance.  I would find someone to blame for my discontent, talk shit about, and go after them.  I forgive myself that♥ . Now that I know better,  I choose to do better and to avoid those behaving in this way.  As an adult, I am free to choose space from the raging of others.  As a mother, it is my responsibility to model practices of recovery and serenity.

I feel positive about my consistent and repeated efforts to meet for resolution….or intent to go NO Contact with my MCR’s, who are generous with damaging words and behaviors towards me.  Not gonna lie, it stings that NO Contact is preferable to resolving.  I cannot recall the last time I called someone a name or tried to diminish them.  Ok–I can, but I don’t feel good about it and it was more than 2 years ago and I didn’t rape him for a shared meal.  I was wrong in the way in which I said what I said.  My attitude was nasty and righteous.  It was a work situation in which I lost my temper and I knew better and made amends later.  For decades, I honestly did NOT know another way.  I had family, friends, boyfriends, and a husband who all do/did this.  I cant change that, but  I do now avoid it.  This is about healing not forgiveness, a concept I am striving to understand more deeply.  Forgiving doesn’t mean I am ready to have lunch with a person who I feel abused by.  It just means the bitterness doesn’t own me, anymore.  Here is a little from Anne Lamott on forgiveness.  She is a spiritual gangsta.  I savor her every word. (more…)

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