acceptance

On Forgiving

Daily, I feel tormented by the notion that if I were JUST  less sensitive and more forgiving we could be a happy healthy family.  But this, THIS is the lie-the myth of the scapegoat and the messaging of abusers.  Intense sensitivity is something, that as an adult, I have learned to understand, accept, and to accommodate without shame.  My mental wellness requires that I offer space to anyfuckenbody who judges sensitivity and uses it as an excuse to be unkind–shaming.  I do regret that I had nobody to teach me this sooner.  Self acceptance, preservation, kindness to myself and to others—these things, they were first introduced to me as a 40 something woman, in recovery.  And I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know, before I knew it and I forgive myself for not accepting poor treatment as the price of membership for a club to which I clearly do not belong.  And I forgive myself for not being able to forgive before I am able. (more…)

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Courage to Change

The Classic Fauxpology—CAUTION RED FLAG–Turn and walk away.

I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable.  I know we differ in many ways, she and I,  one of the more pronounced ways, is that if and when I am struggling to understand and be present for either of my children, I count on friends, whom I call family, to stand in that gap, not to align with me against my sons.  My mother’s need to be right outweighed her need for connection with and protection of me.  She invited others to align with her, to shame or frighten me into something other…and I sure did become something other than what I was born to be in this world. Ashamed.  Angry.  Disconnected. Broken AF. (more…)

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Winners Change and Grow, Staying the Same is for the Others

I honestly had such flawed thinking and attitudes growing up.  I often felt the victim and would lash out, because in my experience with my family, I heard over and over how I made other people do and say bad things.  So naturally it stands to reason that, well, when I am forced into misconduct, it is also the fault of someone else.  Right?  Ugh.  Horrifying to look at– but so amazing to see how far I have come and what I have unlearned and managed to impart to my sons. I have been able to develop a boundary for myself to keep myself safe from attitudes towards me that are unfair, unkind, and diminishing to me.  I learned to take care of myself.  Finally.

There were no clear, consistent boundaries or routines discernible to me in my childhood home and family life.  This was confusing for me and, I believe, played a role in inhibiting me from developing vision and purpose in my life.  It prevented me from knowing what I wanted and liked.  Sustaining a state of perpetual vigilance and shame–I pinballed through life running from pain and blame and chasing anything resembling connection, without learning healthy coping, thriving, or promising relationship skills. (more…)

Continue ReadingWinners Change and Grow, Staying the Same is for the Others