Dysfunction

It is Not About You

My sister would frequently snap:  “Not everything is about you” when I expressed anything difficult or needing.  And it made me confused in a sad and shameful way. Like it never addressed anything but the collective need for me to shut up and be different.  Under the guidance of my older sister, parents, and extended family I failed to learn about me, myself, in relation to whom I am, only in relation to how pleasing or displeasing they found me to be, mostly the latter. For example, my birthday gifts and foods weren’t about me, weren’t on my list of things I liked or wanted. I was informed that those were expressions of whom they were and what they wanted to share with me and that I should be grateful…yet their raging and diminishing behaviors were purely about me AND I should remain unaffected. I still do not really get it.  I have stopped trying–as that made me want to not live. (more…)

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Winners Change and Grow, Staying the Same is for the Others

I honestly had such flawed thinking and attitudes growing up.  I often felt the victim and would lash out, because in my experience with my family, I heard over and over how I made other people do and say bad things.  So naturally it stands to reason that, well, when I am forced into misconduct, it is also the fault of someone else.  Right?  Ugh.  Horrifying to look at– but so amazing to see how far I have come and what I have unlearned and managed to impart to my sons. I have been able to develop a boundary for myself to keep myself safe from attitudes towards me that are unfair, unkind, and diminishing to me.  I learned to take care of myself.  Finally.

There were no clear, consistent boundaries or routines discernible to me in my childhood home and family life.  This was confusing for me and, I believe, played a role in inhibiting me from developing vision and purpose in my life.  It prevented me from knowing what I wanted and liked.  Sustaining a state of perpetual vigilance and shame–I pinballed through life running from pain and blame and chasing anything resembling connection, without learning healthy coping, thriving, or promising relationship skills. (more…)

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