survivor Archives - Page 31 of 32

I Choose to Share, Heal, Expand-I Write the Ending

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:December 29, 2016
Post category:Acceptance Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

When a person touches us and it feels wrong, IT IS. 100% unacceptable– to be touched in ways that feel yucky, unwanted, unwholesome. IT happening, is the beginning. After the moment passes, the wreckage persists- governing all that will follow. My downward spiral continued until…. I realized I could no longer continue suffering, struggling, thinking, fearing as I had for decades. The Gift Of Desperation— 100% clarity– IT(the residual insanity) shall no longer be denied or allowed to continue. GOD and faith replaced fear and shame, as my new navigational tools. Today, I am led by Good Orderly Direction.

Being unable at the time to identify and articulate confusing encounters with my older sister (and later, others), resulted in incomprehensible demoralization. I became “inexplicably” hysterical while she remained artfully buttoned up. And from there it unfolded. The impossible girl who can’t cope and the seemingly unruffled older sister, going along as if her only real issue is her troubling sister. She scored a shit-load of traction off of my hysteria. In fact, it ~~saved~~ ~~defined~~ elevated her. The dynamic made me want to disappear- to which I dedicated impressive efforts. I used geography, alcohol, drugs, men, men on drugs, food-lots of food, no food.

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Silence

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:November 29, 2016
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Family Divider Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Triangulation & Smear Campaigns

Not stoic enough to be silent or aloof, I am practicing saying and doing nothing in response to underhanded invitations to enter into indirect conflict. While I
now set boundaries for only myself, without arguing to be heard, my abstinence from standard entanglement is labelled abandonment—“cutting them off” because that is how silence is used in my family. I just say No. Or Sorry that won’t work until it no longer makes sense to say it again.

So, I have mostly quieted my mouth, but my head still spins with all the things I wish to say or stop feeling and thinking. Silence with a trusted other is golden.

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A Narcissist’s Prayer

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:November 29, 2016
Post category:dirty secrets Family Divider Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Wow...I think this is worth sharing--maybe not their prayer, just their story. Always.

Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:November 24, 2016
Post category:Acceptance Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Today’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.

Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?” Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death. Call me dramatic, whatever. This is my story.

Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me. My body knows the truth–keeps the score. (more…)