When I choose to confront something happening right now—something I see as worth addressing—and someone tries to shut me down by dragging the conversation into the past, I finally understand what’s happening. There is nowhere productive to go with a person who feels entitled to use, dominate, or diminish others, and whose only tools for handling conflict are denial and passive aggression.

Facing conflict directly and working toward resolution—not victory, not domination—is wholesome and badass. Refusing to acknowledge or discuss conflict is just bad and assy. Winning and losing belong to races, games, and wars, not to relationships that are supposed to be safe and sustainable.

What a relief to be free from the shame I once carried about how I handled pain and conflict before recovery. Regretful, yes. But ashamed? Not even a little. I would feel ashamed only if I were still doing and saying those things—and then defending them or blaming someone else for my choices.