To Repair or Repaint

My life is filled with terrible choices, ugly truths, and failed relationships.  Those things do not define me and cannot be used to shame or diminish me.  Only through my courage to walk directly into my own story; my willingness to acknowledge the breakage and to do the work of repair, have I been made healthy and strong, fully able to live my own life.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes me feel more proud than my choice to recover and how far I have come.  

Is it even possible to emerge, grow, or heal from what you cannot acknowledge? What if I had allowed myself to be held in denial and pain—therefore presenting to my sons, the likelihood to do similarly or the same?    Recovery has been chaotic and messy, not unlike removal of a dying organ or limb, car restoration, or a home renovation— gutting a compromised foundation, rather than throwing on a coat of pretty paint(or polish). I feel both grateful and honored by this work and the scars– which tell the story of my recovery.

Only by looking deeply and directly into the darkest parts (probably about 86.7%) of my life, am I able to experience healing and fortification. I was collectively and consistently discouraged, shunned, admonished for my call to do so.  I see now, how my family of origin, and unsurprisingly the family of the man I chose to marry, require their brand of positivity as a term and condition of engagement.  “Do and say as we(The Royal WE) do– and smile so that we may allow you to stay.”

Is positivity really demonstrated by the arrangement of your face or by denying that a thing has made you feel broken, hurt, or insecure?  I do not think so.  Genuine Positivity, as I understand, is choosing to show up and to be kind, honest, and accepting of difficult truths.

Since we here, descend from long lines of infallible, almighty non-apologizers, our lil family is learning together, to acknowledge and amend when we have done harm/ broken trust. To me, breaking trust is what happens when a person’s words or behaviors communicate “I matter more than you”. In healthy wholesome relationships, nobody matters more and nobody matters less. With generational and ancestral trauma though, there is the precept that those with more power matter more. But what does that say about children and the vulnerable, in general? Because they have less agency and authority, they have less value? That is absolutely what it says. It demands that children STFU with their own unique needs, feelings, and truths, or go elsewhere. It is definitely a dynamic of “You are with us or against us.” Of course children long to be WITH their parents and family at large. But they also want to be seen, heard, safe, and understood– and deserve to be so. THIS stops with me.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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