Awwwww— a neeeeeeed to “make people smile”–sounds sweet, wholesome, benevolent. Right? Ummmm… I do not always perceive it that way. Instead, it has felt stressful…because that UNYIELDING NEED/REQUIREMENT typically, (to the smile extractor) implies that: if I am not smiling or overtly pleased, one of us has failed.  

It might be different if “smile patrol” manipulated on the DL, but frequent and open assertions of intent to MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY, with over the top exhibitions as joy maker/martyr, to me, come off as more self-seeking than generous –pursuing control, attention, and outcomes.  Makes me feel like an emotional hostage. How does a anyone relax with a person desperate to curate the moods and faces of those around them?

OH! I just had an idea: How about if we each manage only ourselves and let others be who and how they are?   And calm tf down when someone is not smiling; as it is not proof of defiance, anger, or even discontent.

On the eve of my birthday, I am as grateful as I am anxious about my dinner tomorrow. The anxiety is ptsd and historical -absolutely unrelated to my current reality. (I tried to explain to favorite recently, that depression and anxiety do not care about facts, and are often entirely unrelated to what is happening in the present moment.)

We are celebrating at Favorite’s house with only foods and people chosen by me. I still angst though, because, by nature, I am unsocial, preferring solitude, deep conversations or silence- the opposite of socializing and celebration. But when I am with people who love and celebrate me as I am, these are not problems or defects. Just facts. I am safe and loved. And I enjoy myself, laughing a fuck-ton and still not so much wearing a smile, as my natural facial arrangement.

I am high strung, intense, and deeply affected by sensory and emotional input…even on and especially for birthdays and celebrations, which can easily overstimulate me. Why would any accepting person expect or demand something other? Literally, the date on the calendar changes nothing about these things.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass