When you go to therapy and the therapist encourages you to implement the technique of I statements, as an effective way to share your needs and feelings, definietly try that- ONLY- if you are approaching a person who is open and intetersted in nurturing, connecting, and healing. Otherwise, it will not work out, ever, at all.
Below are some examples of how some of the greatest rifts in my family and marriage began and left us always with nothing but eggshells and resentment. My spoken need,as a child,sister,wife— for assurance, security, and connection was NOT WRONG, but definitely unwelcome. I was loooking to the wrong people to provide that. And so what if I was needy and complicated, I still deserve those things. Those are basic needs. Going without, left me spinning and frantic, more so, each day. The consistent and collective efforts to silence me made me hysterical- very non silent and acty outy.
Maggie: I feel sad, uncomfortable, anxious, worried. Them: Why must you make problems where there are none? Can we talk about something else besides your feelings and issues?
Maggie: What is wrong? Them: Why does something always have to be wrong?
Maggie: Are you mad at me? Them: Nobody is mad. Now I am mad because you wont let things just be.
Maggie: Did I do something to upset or anger you? Them: Do you always have to do this?
Maggie: Can we talk? Them: Ugh. You always have to bring up something.
Maggie: What is going on? Them: I don’t know what you are talking about. Stop looking for trouble.
Maggie: What is the matter? Them: There is nothing the matter, except for you insisting that there is.
Maggie: Is there something the matter? Them: There is nothing wrong and nothing to discuss.
Maggie: Can we talk? Them: Oh, here we go again.
Maggie: I need to talk. Them: Again? What Now? Jilan Catherine Ghoneim
How difficult would it be to say and mean: “Tell me what is going on with you. I’d like to understand.”?There was one message for me: STFU—You are on your own. Literally nobody was interested, at all, in anything but me shutting up and getting small (wanting, feeling, thinking, only as they did). They needed me to be small and broken so they could righteously ignore, dismiss, punish and rescue me. Always the claiming to be heroes and victims of me.
Systematic shut down from those who hear everything as a criticism of them and not as a need of mine…like– if I need something which you are not naturally inclined to give, you are wrong or I am wrong and we must battle, to determine who is perfect, right, and a winner. I am certain I was none of those, ever, in my life. I am also certain that the assigned script was devastating for me.
There was a part of me which felt that I could not rest unless and until (the thing) had been shared, witnessed, affirmed, heard, addressed. …and my restlessness served only as proof of my problematic being. That is what we always seemed to be “debating” or feuding about- my wrongness. What a fkn gaslighty nightmare. I am grateful to be officially orphaned and divorced. I wished it were not true. But, it is very true. Holidays are really kickin up some dust.Much Love,
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