In healthy, healing, loving family systems…

Ok, I have no experience within those kind of systems. My lived family expereince falls outside any of the categories of healthy, healing, loving.

How I remember my mother and my family treating me: The message was consistent and I believe began with my mother and was easily adopted by her brother, mother and my older female sibling. It flowed naturally through the rest of those genetic links and affiliations. “Because I regard you as lacking decency, it is fine to diminish, degrade, and alienate you.  I will invite others to “see” so they might join or at least not judge.”

… because I think that little of you and that much of me

… because you are patently unlovable– a suboptimal human

I was robbed of any sense of self, purpose (outside of -JUST be different already), and peace. AND while that is undeniable. Only in a perfect world would it matter.

My sensitivity triggered the fragility of those possessed by a lethal preference for feeling in charge.

I knowingly married a person eerily similar, yet I remained undeterred, because I believed validation, by proxy to a psychologically, emotionally and morally similar man– might fractionally improve my self worth or potential for relating to them.

And the idea that these very bad things might not be so readily allowed to continue is why I share about them, on my blog. My very OWN place to state the truth of what it has been like for me… what it continues to be like. I will not allow or consent to my erasure. While my experience may qualify as inadmissable in my family of origin. It is admissable right here. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney Catherine G Whitney

If healing is the best revenge, well, I have a long ass way to go. For now, I may get to circle the drain a bit more before I may fully ascend.