Shame and Guilt and Fear

Shame and Guilt and Fear for openly wanting or needing more or different from what is being provided…. It never ends. I waited days to share with Favorite, the details my haircut/abuse because it seems too outrageous, not believable. As with all of my family heartache and struggle, I was always reported to have imagined, exaggerated or caused it.

So I forwarded my post to Favorite because I need her to always know everything, particulalry the more horrifying and painful parts of my life, which beg for me to get small and feel ashamed.

Her immediate response was that she was sorry and the insistence that I blow him up on Yelp and FB and all social media with details of his conduct. I believe photos of my hair alone would damage him. Literally, my son could have done a better job, with his non-dominant hand. I will post nothing for fear of blowback. I saw a few months ago, that Baylor(the stylist) had “liked” me on and wonder now, if he behaved in those ways and fucked up my hair to punish me, put me in my place. After all, who tf do I think I am? Right?

I am feeling very tormented over not only the way I now look, but also, that I still have not managed to recover the parts of myself which would allow me to feel sure that I am safe and worthy and deserve better. I am so tired of the punishers and will never stop feeling crushed by almost my entire family ghosting me for reasons I may never know (definitely to put me in my place((out)) and to show me my worth((lessness))). That is what this brought up for me. Today is a hard day. I think they would be pleased, smiling amongst themselves, nodding in agreement, “serves her right”. Fuck that and them.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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