How have I provided good input for my children? Who, in my child’s life, is a reliable source of good input—consistently kind, considerate, trustworthy, loyal, present, protective, loving—intentionally contributing to trust, hope, belonging, and confidence?
When it is communicated that what a child thinks, experiences, sees, needs, or feels is not real or valued, this is bad input. Continual bad input from people in authority compromises the development of creativity, confidence, hope, and the ability to persevere and connect in healthy, sustainable ways.
Communicating to a child any version of: “Not only are you incorrect about what you are seeing and feeling, you are bad for perceiving it that way—and for failing to hide it,” is deeply damaging. When children learn to distrust and dislike themselves for their own perceptions, and assume responsibility for the frightening reactions of adults, it follows that they may give up on the belief that a better life is within their power.
Expecting children to defer exclusively to us for truth may feel, to a narcissistic parent, like success—to possess and control children who do, feel, say, and like only as directed. But in my experience, it is a tragedy. A cycle worth breaking.
I witness this cycle threatening to repeat itself with one of my sons and his father, who feels deeply offended by anyone who openly differs. To a narcissist, anyone who does not smile, agree, approve, or admire becomes an enemy—to be punished or eliminated. When you are not making the narcissist feel important, they experience opposition, and respond with anger.
The shame his father directs toward our son, while favoring the other and creating division between brothers, is familiar and vile. I am grateful my son can safely share the truth of his experiences with a counselor, Sweet Greg, and me.
As parents, we can be unknowing sources of bad input, especially when we repeat only what we learned and practiced—a generational pattern. Our sons have one parent who denies their own struggles and contributions, and another who remains centered in despair, trying to prove the reality of pain instead of healing and moving forward. Poor guys. God help them.
