addiction

Good Grief

I cannot help but feel charmed when I hear people in utter exasperation calmly say “Good Grief”.  It is so completely wholesome(benevolent) and old school.

While grief, may not be good, it is essential, and a natural part of life.  We all deserve to grieve and heal from heartbreak.  My sons’ deserve a healed and whole mother. As an adult with choices, recovery of my spirit takes priority over my seat at “the family table”.    My first choice is to recover with my family of origin.  The alternative is to recover on my own.  It has been collectively declared that “There is nothing to heal from, just move on, Already, goddammit”.  My sister’s locking onto my ex-husband(any excuse at all to fawn and connect(gag)) has troubled us as co-parents, as well as divided me from our confused and aging mother.  I have nearly quit judging that behavior, but still, I REFUSE to dine with abusers of my sons’ parents.  The idea of sharing a meal is sickening.  Our next genetic gathering will be for a death.  While the passing of any family member will be unfortunate, the death itself, will not erase or stop the damage.  I will pray for the grace to show up only as a mourner for the passing of whomever it is.  The service will not pose as a union or a re-union.  Just a memorial  for the deceased; a ceremony dedicated to those who need to grieve the passing of a loved one.  I respect and honor the need to grieve.   For me, it will be a day of exercising courage, humility, and compassion–100% wholesome and badass.

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Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation

I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother  copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging.  With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.”  Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.

Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday.  I was happy to help another single mom.  At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00.  I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.

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Prayer Works!

I continue ending my days by saying thank you for the blessings in my life- for each new day between the most recent indignity from my family and me.  It is a bitter-sweet reality to be free of the dynamic.  Recovery changed me at a cellular level, allowing me to unlearn things; like believing it acceptable to attack people’s personalities or character when they disturb me.  What a menacing way to be in the world.  I recall how I would hear a fantastic insult and mentally bookmark it for future use-100% sure that attacking and diminishing were necessary and inevitable responses to disturbance.  I would find someone to blame for my discontent, talk shit about, and go after them.  I forgive myself that♥ . Now that I know better,  I choose to do better and to avoid those behaving in this way.  As an adult, I am free to choose space from the raging of others.  As a mother, it is my responsibility to model practices of recovery and serenity.

I feel positive about my consistent and repeated efforts to meet for resolution….or intent to go NO Contact with my MCR’s, who are generous with damaging words and behaviors towards me.  Not gonna lie, it stings that NO Contact is preferable to resolving.  I cannot recall the last time I called someone a name or tried to diminish them.  Ok–I can, but I don’t feel good about it and it was more than 2 years ago and I didn’t rape him for a shared meal.  I was wrong in the way in which I said what I said.  My attitude was nasty and righteous.  It was a work situation in which I lost my temper and I knew better and made amends later.  For decades, I honestly did NOT know another way.  I had family, friends, boyfriends, and a husband who all do/did this.  I cant change that, but  I do now avoid it.  This is about healing not forgiveness, a concept I am striving to understand more deeply.  Forgiving doesn’t mean I am ready to have lunch with a person who I feel abused by.  It just means the bitterness doesn’t own me, anymore.  Here is a little from Anne Lamott on forgiveness.  She is a spiritual gangsta.  I savor her every word. (more…)

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