self love

Letter To Self

December 26,2016
Dear Self,

Re: the Matter of Your Female Progenitor and Sibling:

Enjoy the esteem of knowing, you have shown up and have given more than most can understand. You stayed. You refused the urge to retaliate and to run from what is. You stood, upright(mostly) with open arms and hands, asking begging “What can we do to improve things?” Those are behaviors of a wholesome badAss 100%.  You showed up for your family and yourself-resisting the invitation to the war they waged. They needed for you to participate in the drama and you felt the call—and resisted.  Fk yeh! (more…)

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No is a complete sentence.

Hi Friends,

This eCard is fantastic.  My discovery of  a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war.  Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.

From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress.   Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right  — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become  hysterical,  substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help.  No. Nope.  Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement.  It is acceptable for people to say No as needed.  Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses.  It is too much for others.

(more…)

Continue ReadingNo is a complete sentence.

Love is kind-right?

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Not until my older son was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory integration disorder(SPD), did I learn why I had been uncomfortable, tense, overly-stressed my entire life, particularly for family occasions where food smells and volume alone, felt cruel.  The word overwhelming does not begin to describe those experiences.  I came to believe I was the “pain in the ass” I was reported to be, unworthy of comfort and connection.  I learned to hate who I was-at a cellular level, my existence was all wrong.  I was angry and as my family likes to remind me, very difficult.  Who wouldn’t have been difficult in the circumstances?  Totally owning that!!!

Not knowing how to seek shelter from sensory stimulus had a devastating impact;  In my family, those  unwilling unable to mask signs of stress and discomfort are not be tolerated or indulged.  I believe much of the wreckage of my life has its origins here, leading my fruitless pursuit for connection with emotionally remote others. (more…)

Continue ReadingLove is kind-right?