The Part Where You Fucked Up
The tribal tension in our country right now is a perfect parallel to the dynamic of my family of origin- overflowing of remarkable efforts toward rightness and to victory, rather…
It is Not that I Don’t Care..
People have expressed to me, their sense, that I do not care what others think. This is UNtrue. I make no efforts to control what others think or how they feel about me. That is not my job. If a person does not care for me, that is not a problem (until they decide to punish me), it just means we are not for each other. I would surely prefer if everyone applauded my decisions and methods, but that is unrealistic and counter to my striving to live authentically, with honest and transparent boundaries(for myself)– which support self care, personal growth and my own well-being. 
This truth and freedom are offered to me by my program of recovery. Many people do not yet understand that recovery is not only for those with obvious and overt addictions to substances, sex, shopping, gambling, food…. Mine, is a program of recovery, for those struggling to recover from abusive relationships, typically with the mentally unwell or addicted person. For the sake of my blog and journey, abuse is: behavior of others which harms, betrays, diminishes, or disrespects another. Sustained entanglement in an abusive dynamic can result in trauma and depression(mental unwellness, sometimes temporarily relieved by addictive behaviors)- which require recovery OR denial (offloading or numbing pain instead of healing it). I choose recovery. For people who choose power, rightness, and denial, I am definitely not their cup of tea and they are not mine. It is not a war, just a fact…until attacks begin- typically underhanded–the silent kill shots are the worst, the highly visible ones, to which nobody objects, are equally deadly. (more…)
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
I have been finding healing and comfort in re-reading and listening to When Bad Things Happen to Good People( a book I first borrowed from my mother, after my father's…
What is Love?
About 5 years ago, still living in Los Angeles, while driving down 91, we passed a billboard that said I love Compton. Puzzled, my boys were like “Why would anybody love Compton? ” 
They had been there a few times for doctors appointments, during our harder times and at times, for my work. They knew it to be run down, scary-ish. Many homeless people and loose dogs in need. That question was such a blessing and opening to a profound conversation. I surprised myself by being able able to explain to them the difference between liking a person, place, or thing and loving it. 
I explained how sometimes we do not like each other one bit, but we always want what is best for each other and value working towards the best possible outcome. That this billboard is paid for by a group of people committed to elevating the quality of life for all people in this struggling community. Love is a verb and often has little to do with our feelings and more to do with our values. Love is honest, and kind–it is a way of being in the world. Some people LOVE tacos or burgers and fast cars. While we might enjoy these things, we love and care for people, places, and things because it is right and it is our purpose. Some people run around HATING snakes, bugs, and broccoli. But we do not hate, maybe just do not prefer. We do not wish ill on them or need to destroy them. We hate unkindness and dishonesty. And yet we can love others(maybe from a safe distance) who behave in these ways. We belong to each other. All of us. Everyone and all living things deserve to have their most basic needs met. To get in the way of that is spiteful unloving. (more…)