Though I am intimately familiar with the energy and attitudes I’ve always identified in the “serves you right” types, I only just discovered the term Schadenfreude. I find it fascinating there is no English equivalent for pleasure derived from another person’s misfortune. I will not lie, I have had Schadenfreude-y moments of my own, and am not yet equipped to use the word comfortably in a sentence. But I feel incredible relief each time I learn language for something that previously defied articulation.
My recovery has me frequently—if not obsessively—checking my motives to see if I am being honest with myself about my thinking. I questioned whether sharing parts of my story that reflect unfavorably on my female sibling is some version of Schadenfreude. It is not. If illuminating actions harmful to my children and family might reduce their recurrence, that is neither punitive nor pleasurable—just sane self-preservation. It is also not self-promotion. If an image-obsessed person fears their actions being seen clearly, it makes sense they would resist exposure. This is not vengeance. This is a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding.
In one of our final exchanges, about four years ago, just before aligning herself with my ex, my sister told me about a coworker named Allison, whom she disliked. She boasted that she knew exactly how to get Allison to quit or “cook her own goose.” Within days, Allison gave notice. On her last day, she crashed into an ambulance while driving away. My sister texted me about it, using an LMAO emoji with a car behind an ambulance. She was victorious. I suspect she was showing me how powerful she believed herself to be. My failure to find her impressive or intimidating was likely similar to Allison’s.
I often think about finding Allison, just to tell her she did not deserve to be diminished or treated badly. It can feel traumatic and shameful to be disregarded, even while understanding that other people’s behavior is not about us.
Entitled people often experience boundaries as offenses. Saying no to them invites punishment. They will try hard to serve you right if you fail to revere them. Dare to honor yourself. And when they get angry, double down.
