I need daily reminding as I am fast to forget and even quicker to obsess over negative myths and programming. When I am not mindful over my beliefs, like vigilantly so, I fall deep into the toxic shame spiral.
While I no longer suffer shame over those things(in the photo), I am still unlearning and… have not forgotten. For nearly 11 years, I have been developing something not unlike pride (maybe self esteem, dignity, or self worth?), around the NEW codes of conduct which I get to learn and practice in recovery life.
For four decades I thoroughly believed in what a hopeless, pathetic, sorry human I was, and affirmed it often, with my ill-informed ways of coping. My belief was that I deserved, caused, OR imagined my abuse, because not only was I bad, I was crazy. I certainly grew to behave as if both were true. We learn what we live.
For 11 years, now, I have been exercising the practices of apologizing and amending, appropriately and promptly as called for.
I had always done a lot of saying sorry– but frequently for wrong things and in wrong ways for wrong reasons. The following behaviors had, prior to program, remained foreign (having not recognized those around me as doing or saying anything remotely similar) to me:
Accepting responsibility for my behaviors known to have caused pain; saying “I was wrong” and/or “I have caused you pain”. Expressing Regret: “I am sorry that I did or said X” without excuses or justifcations. Repenting: Offering to do better/differently with an expressed preference and value to NOT hurt the person again. Requesting forgiveness and another chance– calling on my courage and humility – willing to risk rejection.
I feel kind of great-ish about my ability and value, to now own and correct my unfortunate behaviors–like I may be the first EVER in my family to know and do these things. Revolutionary and cycle breaking! I have not witnessed or experienced this with any person to whom I have been genetically or maritally linked. But, today, in my lil family here, and with Favorite and Sweet Greg, we do these things. We choose making things right in our relationships over BEING RIGHT.Much Love,
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