Not A Great Fit

My personality was not a good fit for my mother and since she had not ever considered choosing a thing(including me) which could rarely please or satisfy her-  I think this made her feel bad about herself (shame) which she could not effectively handle and so she off loaded that to me– to deal with. I think her inability to get me to be how and who she wanted (more convenient- less uncomfortable- easier) was upsetting to her and self reflection and adjustment by her had not been considered. One of us had to be wrong. Right?

The probelm was collectively, though probably subconsciously, designated: as Magda’s failure to please and satisfy her mother. BAD GIRL. I feel like in the reparenting I receive through my program of recovery, I have learned that a person’s inability to be loving is on them, that is their deficiency- and not a measure of another person’s (non)lovability.

The twelve steps and traditions teach me to choose a thing which may not feel pleasing or satisfying- because it is morally, ethically, spiritually a correct thing to do.  It is the mature and wholesome choice. And nothing made that more evident, than motherhood.

The messaging made clear for me and for my mother’s family that until I became satisfying & pleasing, I was to be NOT chosen.  I was not able to manage my painful and confusing reactions to that, as a child or even an adult -And then I found the rooms of Al-Anon.

I observed this same style of (dis)connecting (either favoring or NON-favoring) and banishing, in my mother’s mother, my sister and later, a person I married.  Though clearly, when I married, I was choosing what was familiar, rather than what was right, pleasing OR satisfying.  It was almost my final lesson! There was no sane or healthy hint of a good reason to have even gone on the second date. So cringey and sad for the lil Magda inside me, who did not know to do or expect better. Oh…. the gifts of low self esteem and self loathing, they really do never stop giving.

I now recognize that wanting to have, say or do a thing does not make it the right thing to do.  No matter how strong the urge. And no individual is wrong or punishable for failing to please or satisfy another human.  For so long, I had no idea. BUT –  literally IT IS nobody’s job or purpose to please and satisfy—unless that it is actually their job, like they get paid to do that and have knowingly entered into a contractual agreement to do so.

I cannot help but angst in observation of my boys’ confusion over and craving for healthy connection.  The fallout from their father’s joint venture with my sister to alienate them from me and me from my family have been devastating for them and their developing beliefs about being authentic v. people pleasing, family, closeness, loyalty. Where will they find and learn it?

I feel that I do, against all odds, provide good modeling for healthy safe sustained and deep mutual connections.  I am not cool or fun with money, toys, or means to do much more than provide a nice-ish home with the basics.  BUT– I remain faithfully and deeply connected to those with whom I do choose to be in relationship.  That could not be bought or faked(by me)- as I am financially limited AF, as well as a total failure at feigning happy-looking, fun-making, social staging, photo-oppy type moments.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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