The concept of being categorically and inherently wrong is new to me. I see how labeling an individual or group this way can lead others to feel justified in acting unwholesomely against them. Under this label, a person becomes unacceptable—disposable, their humanity dismissed and deemed unworthy of consideration.
Something which is inherently wrong is wrong in its very nature. Categorical means absolute, without any exceptions. Inherently wrong and categorically wrong are very close. To designate a person or animal or thing in either of these ways would make it more palatable to disegard, marginalize, diminish, neglect, extinguish, erase.
I’m learning to let go of the belief that I need to atone for who I am and my inherent flaws. This realization has permanently separated me from those who relied on my compliance. While the pain from my family of origin and my marriage may never fully fade, the absence of shame brings new energy and hope. However, to create something greater requires more energy—like getting more than three hours of sleep, which is challenging for me.
I now appreciate waking each day with the dignity of being myself, free from the shame that stems from those who sought to dismantle me with the messsaging of: “Stop feeling that way,” “Correct that(or else),” or “You are unwelcome/unwanted.” I worry for my sons, as their father and my family invite them to distance themselves from me, and join the Royal WE. This toxic legacy is distressing.
When one of my sons behaves as if he matters more than others, I used to overreact and tell him he was like them. Now, I simply acknowledge, “That’s some legacy shit.” It’s not perfect, but it’s better. He often tries to position himself as inherently right, but I question how we can function as a healthy family with that mindset. My commitment to disrupting these harmful cycles is strong.
These cycles tolerate victimization and diminish individuals, fostering the belief that some matter more than others.
I’ve come to realize that the root of abuse is simple: abusers abuse. People behave the way they do because they choose to. Mature individuals don’t justify harmful actions. I do not believe that anyone is categorically wrong or right. We all have the capacity to improve and atone for our actions, but not for who we are.
Believing in absolute rightness and wrongness is a dangerous mindset. It allows some to evade accountability while others are made to feel guilty for the damage inflicted upon them. I see this dynamic affecting each of my sons differently.
