In relationships, if it is conditional, it is not kind. Nothing was more confused and distorted than my early ideas about kindness and connection. For more decades than I care to admit, I mistook kind people for people who wanted a relationship with me, and unkind people as enemies out to get me. Painfully childish. But how could I have known differently?
I did not understand kindness as a value practiced by some and not by others. I understood it as something to be earned, granted, or withheld.
Recovery taught me that kindness and service are values—choices to be practiced daily. Today, I recognize that other people’s kindness, or lack of it, is about them. It is entirely possible to not prefer someone and still remain kind. This realization was the beginning of self-esteem and self-worth for me.
I am deeply grateful to finally know and do better. What a miracle. If you have not yet learned about kindness and service, you can reparent yourself through any of the 12 Step programs. There are actual steps to living a better life, and people willing to support you—freely and without condition.
I was only able to behave with genuine kindness after being taught to practice appropriate self-care. I had to learn to be kind to myself. Because when I hate myself, I probably hate you too.
Kindness and friendliness are not the same. Friendliness is presentation. Kindness is character. Friendly people often rely on gossip and flattery as social currency. Socially acceptable, maybe. But not kind. And for someone like me, a red flag.
