Progress not perfection. Check it out! So, I purchased this can of shaving cream on clearance for $0.48 at Food Lion. I bought 5 of them, actually. The one shown in the trash bin was number 4 in my sequence of use. After using only 25% of the product, it stopped putting out(for no good reason…oh wait, is it broken?) I removed the top, and got a teeny tiny bit out. Feeling the weight of the remaining shaving cream–knowing it was in there, dammit, I wanted it, almost to the point of obsession. To avoid being late for appointments, I brought can #5 into play which functions just fine. But– when I am showering without time limitation, I sit on that shower bench and work haaard, holding the can every which way, blasting it with hot water, using a safety pin to clear the valve, turning the dispenser top. Total bullshit insanity. But wait– 4 out of 27 times I have managed to extract just enough to shave an armpit, re-enforcing for me that maaaaybe, if I try hard enough, I can get just a little bit of what I need. I know it is there. Aaah, the broken effing clock strikes again.
Today was a turning point. Whatever shaving cream I squeeze from the can is not worth the effort. It s broken, not a reflection of my brokenness. There are other cans—that work!! Honestly, that shitty purple can mocked me from the shower ledge. I felt like a loser for– a) buying it b) not being able to make it work c) trying too hard
d) giving up. This is a fantastic metaphor for my entanglement with my MCRs. It is not necessary or healthy to try so hard to get what I need. Letting go is not losing, it is making way for what works. Let go or be dragged, right? Oh….The broken clock in its many forms!
Tryyyyying too hard, that is a sign that I am forcing or denying, relying on willful determination. My need to tryyyyyy in this way can be traced back to my fears of scarcity and unworthiness. But those, those are the lies and myths. There is plenty of what is needed and I am totally worthy. I am not great at everything,clearly, but I am nearly perfect at trying every day to do better than I did the day before. Making better mistakes today than yesterday is for BadAsses. Forcing and fearing is for bad asses.
I find myself often needing the reminder that- Even the broken clock is right twice a day. I can be a fast learner but I am a faster forgetter. When my more confusing relations (From here on, I shall refer to these people as my MCRs) behave with anything resembling kindness or lessened disregard for me, I am quick to believe things have improved. Usually, they want something or happen to be in a good mood. Broken clocks do not magically become reliable.
I am continually jarred by alternate appearances of Jekyl and Hyde personas- people with souls, able to connect OR without notice become silently hostile and punitive–with nothing in between. In this extreme dynamic, my asking of “what is wrong/what happened?” is pointed to, as the cause of the palpable rage and resentment, which is emphatically denied to exist at all, SIMULTANEOUSLY! So, I am told in the same breath that I am both imagining and causing the tension. Oy! Not once have I asked an MCR what is the matter and been offered a response of ” I am upset that……and….?” Not so ironically, my MCRs also refuse to acknowledge when they have been upsetting or harmful and have been receptive to amending and reconciling exactly zero times.
Dealing with MCRs leaves me terribly disturbed. The vacillation from infrequent moments of ease, and what I perceive as connection, to no eye contact or acknowledgment, is too much. No base-line kindness or connection to count on.
Quick to disregard this lesson, I still ask what is up or what is needed with the 100% same results- dismissal as overly sensitive followed by a delayed attack in which every hurtful sentiment toward me is launched– and I am not welcome to respond,inquire, address, or apologize, because THAT is considered unnecessary rehashing of the past. AYFKM? The tirade is for letting off of steam- different from rehashing, and apparently viewed as more productive/necessary. Ranting is not rehashing– but amending is? As my friend Gabi says,” that is some serious bullshit”. Indeed. There is no where to go with this, but away.
Through spiritual recovery, I am learning to detach from MCRs- keep a cool distance, no matter the mood. What I find tricky, are those random reinforcements, where we appear to have connected deeply. And they are totally random. Still, I am intoxicated in the moment, by the idea that we are at last connected and together. While trembling inside- just a hair away from shunning and character assassination. The
clock MCR is not a functional or reliable source for anything but anxiety. Hope, immaturity, brokenness—may be the reasons I become fooled or charmed into trying to understand or sustain connection or stave off the disconnect. Sustained connection with MCRs is not possible. As I mature and heal, I am less willing to stick around. For this I am labelled punitive and withholding. It makes no sense to seek guidance from a broken clock. I have Good Orderly Direction that always makes sense. Following G.O.D. is for BadAsses.
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