Holding On– But also letting go

I suspect that I am the only one in my entire lineage (and also the lineage of the person I married and divorced)— able and willing to self reflect and to ask myself, repeatedly:  What could I have done differently for a better outcome?  This may be typical for scapegoats and cycle breakers, and those who have been taken down by narcissists. I get that I am the common variable in each of those systems, and also, it is well documented that trauma survivors seek out people with whom they can relive the familiar dynamic.  Just as loved, nurtured, protected people choose more more of the same for themselves.

To the best of my understanding, my crime was in my failure to kiss the ring and agree to matter less than those who were able and comfortable to do harmful and destabilizing things to those who dissent.

So, what if I am intense, weird, dramatic, desperate, irritating, disappointing, challenging, too sensitive, demanding, needy, crazy, and an overall garbage human?  Which I am not.  Do I matter less?  Is it then ok to systematically work to disable, banish, erase me?  

Ok,  I am definitely some of those things, but could I turn an otherwise kind benevolent and transparent person to do evil and shady shit? I just dont beleive I am that powerful?   My refusal to pretend and to be diminished….is not a crime.  What have I actively done or chosen which qualified me for the highest levels of betrayal? Anguished. I long to know the exact misrepresentations which have been offered as justification for doing the dirtiest and most devastating things.  

Holidays are difficult for survivors. They have alllllways been hard for me. Scary. Painful. I guess the good news is–My pain is historcial and my present circumstance is in fact pretty great, yet I am not able to relax and enjoy. Cuz depression and C-PTSD. How wonderful it would be if letting go of pain was a one and done event, rather than one day at a time. Trauma recovery is like addicition and eating disorder recovery, we get to do it one day at a time —forevvvvvvver.

As always, I will note that I was terrified and unhinged with no coping skills for the first 40 years of my life and I defintley made many hurtful and horrifying choices. I have been owning and amending my broken ass thinking and behavior and would like to boast that I have not done a super fucked up thing TO anyone for 15 years…and I am proud of that. As evidenced by my consistent herculean efforts to resist the urge to retalliate. I do NOT consider sharing what I have lived through to be a form of retaliation.