There’s so much to unpack from the last few months. I was sick for an unusually long 17 days with something that wasn’t the flu or COVID. There was a whirlwind romance that I’m not quite ready to delve into yet. My older son had a bike accident that required surgery and will keep him in a cast for 3-5 months, which is a painful reminder that his father and I will never be able to work as a team again, even in parenting, due to actions taken by him and my sister. I long for the luxury of forgetting and moving on. While staying with his father, my son complained of pain, but his father outright refused to seek medical care, citing costs—even after spending several hundred dollars on our younger son’s homecoming and taking him to urgent care for a COVID test out of frustration over multiple positive home tests. This messaging to our sons is incredibly devastating.
I can’t forget the childcare and child support that the boys’ father unjustly withheld for years before finally agreeing to a 50/50 split. He denied essential medical and childcare needs, placing a heavy financial burden on me as the primary custodian of two young children who were often sick. I was fortunate to find per diem work with a friend, allowing me to miss shifts without fear of losing my job, and I’m grateful for the generous financial support from my mother, which helped us keep our home—purchased with my own money, not a penny of his. I was resourceful and relentless, walking dogs, helping the elderly, and collecting recyclables and junk to sell.
The two sisters the boys’ father relies on have each greatly benefited from divorcing wealthy men. He can count on these sisters for financial support and manipulation, while a third sister remains estranged from him because he cannot manipulate her. These relationships serve as his models for navigating life—seeking to exploit others’ resources while rejecting and diminishing those who are not compliant or actively providing for him.
Not only did he seek to benefit from my resources, but he also aimed to drain me. When he realized he couldn’t take the house from me, he committed to making me lose it. He started by regularly withholding his less than $1,000 a month in support and then demanded his name be removed from the loan, despite having insisted it be included when purchasing the home, which was funded entirely by the sale of my condo, while I was not in a position to refinance.
The costs of my son’s surgery and ongoing care are overwhelming for me. Even more difficult is the reminder of my sister, who ensured the permanent divide between my boys’ parents. How can one forgive, forget, and heal when the harm is ongoing?
Add to that a recent hit and run incident in which I chased down and confronted the driver. That experience felt strikingly similar to dealing with my sister and my boys’ father, leaving me flattened for days. The car accident was minor and could have been resolved quickly if the woman who hit me had taken responsibility without me having to push her.
As a highly sensitive person who at best, sleeps from 10:30 PM to 2:17 AM, I struggle with resilience, compounded by the work of active trauma recovery. Most days, I barely have the mental energy and clarity for the essentials, leaving no bandwidth for a fulfilling life with creativity, goals, planning, or relaxation. After decades of this, I am beat.
