The one thing I have most needed to know how to handle, is myself. I am finally learning to do this– with love and compassion. Only in recovery, have I been encouraged and taught to navigate and cope with difficult feelings and people. With the fixed mindset that I was responsible for all bad behavior and words spoken to, about, or near me, I was always on the verge of, or mid- panic/mental breakdown. I could be counted on to behave like a complete lunatic when faced with stress: dishonesty, an unkind word, betrayal, dismissal, and most any situation which caused me to feel threatened, ashamed and powerless. With my volatile vibe and explosive responses, nearly anyone could get away with treating me poorly or unfairly, since my insanity insured a stealing of the spotlight, taking a person promptly off the hook for foul play. My unfortunate reactions made it not only possible, but likely and easy for people to righteously demean me. ?? When I stopped reacting, those ☠️relationships, which relied on my sick engagement, ceased. Old habits and relationships die ⚰️hard. I let them die—so I can live.
As I write this, as when I do most things, I hear voices of those who neeeeed for me to BE wrong and sick in order that they feel right, good, and well. As if their only source of traction relies on a contrast to ME. Those voices are all: “Oh yeh, poor Magda, as if she is/was some sort of angel snowflake, sooo precious.” Anyone who genuinely knows me, also knows that I absolutely do not intend to convey a life of absolute innocence. I neither deny nor make excuses for the less than stellar ways which I have been. As a result of feeling intensely emotionally charged 24/7, negatively charged, I said and did unreasonable, unkind, and dishonest things. Fuck, it is all I knew. I had witnessed neither mercy nor grace (the spiritual kind, not a poised and carefully curated appearance). When we know better, we do better. I am learning, a work in progress.
Being raised in an environment in which the act of diminishing others is acceptable, when executed neatly, was confusing for me. As if–if you remain emotionally composed while saying or doing hurtful things, it is because you are rightfully and justly handling matters. So, while hearing harsh and cutting statements about me or others, not only wounded me in ways which I could not abide, deny or conceal, my habitually emotional response to those behaviors, solidified, for some ,their rightness and my wrongness. What a mess.
I am emotional and I once could be quite vicious, too. I am still emotional, which is not my favorite quality, but also not a defect or crime. Life is certainly more challenging for those of us wired in this way. I see now, how emotionally reacting is an essential ingredient in sick dynamics. Even minimal contact with those who invoke intense negative emotion, either intentionally or otherwise is harmful to me- especially those who judge emotions, rather than intentionally pause to examine(not cross examination, for the purpose of debate) them.
Experiencing anger and pain does not mean there is something wrong with me, what it does mean: There is something wrong. Feelings are not wrong, people who judge them, in my opinion, are. When something is upsetting for one person in a balanced and healthy relationship, that can be addressed with curiosity and an intent to amend, heal, and reconnect where connection had been compromised. Research consistently indicates that: Resolution is where relationships are strengthened. Seems as if the opposite might be true, as well. No resolution, no healing no strength and resilience….
Not everyone is ready for the soul-searing work of healing. I, however, was born ready. The price is high, but so are the rewards. Be prepared. It is a wildly unpopular choice! The right people though, will feel safe, supportive, and inspired.Much Love,
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