Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share

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Feeling concerned for the fallout of  saying NO to the gracious awkward invitation to sit at the table with people who cast me out harshly and publicly and then demand request my appearance, I began researching how to proceed—even with my unfortunate and evil ways, of course.  See, I am called to continually get over hurtful and damaging things directed at me.  To act as if…

My non-coercibility has earned me the title of withholding, deserving, imagining, or causing the unkindness- which persists in this way, each time I show up for more.  My recovery teaches me that I no longer have to volunteer for this.  I no longer participate in my own abuse.

The abusive words and behaviors are denied entirely, labelled as my wrong perceptions, or defended as facts–sworn and believed to come from a place of honor and rightness– not hurt or anger. Hurt and anger are for losers like me.   Broken enough to feel and foolish enough to share.   Saddened I am, by the reminder that healing and hope for myself exist only in the absence of these dynamics.  I suppose the relief  is in knowing that this sickness is not uncommon and I am not alone.   Bad news, I cant cure or change it, I can avoid it.  Dear Family, I am unable to attend the 2016 Christmas Performance dinner.  Please accept this  as my rsvp.

These quotes/ images are from  PsychopathResistance , a hub for support and tools to manage the devastation that continue since a return to my family of origin from my 25 years of healing on the opposite coast.   I want to understand and forgive why my sister a person would do anything other than elevate and treasure the miracles of healing between my ex and myself as well as with my mother, a recent survivor of cancer.  We were functioning as a larger and more loving family until….  Here is what I found from one Expert on Narcissism.  I am tempted to copy and paste my email requests for resolution which have fanned the barely contained inferno of rage I observed growing over the past year.   My request to resolve growing tensions earned me a scorching blast of condemnation and alienation.  My mother now reports this as a difference of visions—right ones and wrong ones mine.  Everyone is entitled to a vision.  Mine is one in which reverence,submission, and retaliation are not par for the course–acceptable and simultaneously denied.  My vision allows us all voices to share fearlessly and to sit still and to listen courageously with our hearts wanting to understand.

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation is an indirect dynamic of communication and behaviours involving more than two people that are unhealthy and unwholesome.

The trademarks of triangulation are covert operation, deceit and abuse.

The simple definition of triangulation is: one individual attacking, discrediting (smearing) or/ and abusing another person with the use of third-party people or institutions.

There are three traditional parts of the ‘triangle’. These are

1) The Persecutor – top right of the triangle

2) The Rescuer – top left of the triangle, and

3) The Persecuted – bottom of the triangle

Narcissists do not genuinely confront, claim, admit or take responsibility for these inner wounds.

Do the slightest prodding and you will discover how flimsy the ‘taking responsibility’ is.

Okay…back to triangulation…

The triangulation process begins when the narcissist acts narcissistically toward someone, the abused person reacts, and is then classified by the narcissist as ‘the enemy’.

According to the narcissist’s disordered psyche brutal offence is necessary in order to survival. The narcissist truly believes the threat needs to be eliminated, and he or she needs to get the upper hand and disable you before you attack.

Naturally people who model humanity as love, dedication and loyalty are devastated when they are ‘adored’ then ‘abhorred’ on a dime. The narcissist dehumanises in a way that is unmistakeable at these times.

The shock is ‘How can you treat me like this?’

The truth is this – the narcissist has regressed back to the stunted childhood wounds deeply embedded inside him or her. The times of feeling victimized, unacceptable, unlovable, powerless and violated.

Because these wounds are disowned they have taken on a life of their own and control the narcissist’s personality as a result of triggering severe panic, pain and rage (all responses to intense powerlessness).

The narcissist unconsciously tries to exorcise these demons by projecting them on to someone else and then destroying that person and the wounds along with them.

Of course this repeat cycle person after person after person never produces healing, results or freedom – no matter how many people the narcissist manages to ‘annihilate’.

Additionally, it doesn’t matter how much integrity you have. The narcissist believes and accuses you of things that you don’t have the capacity to think about let alone execute.

I feel desperately sorry for those whom I exercised this behavior on.   This is a legacy I will not pass on, though it runs deeply through both sides of my children’s families of origin.  I am not perfect at anything– but trying to do better and speaking my truth in ways that are kind and necessary and sometimes even insightful.

To the world who knew me only before recovery from my upbringing, I am so very sorry.  I am changing the things I can, One day at a time.  Willingness to change is for BadAsses—too scary for others!  I filed for divorce the day my Ex promised, with total stoicism, that he would NEVER change or apologize ever–as there is nothing wrong with the way things were.  This is the one promise I know he will keep!  I would DIE if I were required to stay the same–forevvvvver, but possibly only because I am so broken,wrong,  and imperfect AND must do-in order to earn less punishment.  (Oh, how I cant wait to be worthy.  hahahahha  NOPE. Not even a little true.)

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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13 Comments on "Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share"

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Cheryl Stevens
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I can only thank God among my family dysfunctions this is not one of them. In my experience with narcissists, so long as you agree with everything they want/say, they might leave you alone. But that is taking one hostage in flies in the face of healing. Since a narcissist is most unlikely to agree anything is wrong with him/her, he/he won’t seek treatment, with continue to attack, will attack more feriously if you don’t “give in” or take on the abuse, the only common sense thing to do for a person who is healing from this dynamic is to… Read more »
JJ
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This is a lot like what I was going to say. Nobody is forcing you. As I read along down the page, I again noticed Joel Osteen’s wise comment: “Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on what kind of life you live. Spend time with the right people.” You want to be a “right person” for your sons and, I believe, your Boyfriendy Person. This takes time, work, attention and making the right choices. What choices you are making do you doubt? I don’t want to put words In your mouth or ideas in your… Read more »
Molly
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You simply don’t need to be around abusive/mean people! It’s too damaging! I think it’s brave to say no and not to put up with it!

MSC
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WBA, My family is similar. I was shunned for the last time in 2002, after not doing something they wanted on their terms. I have stayed away since and NO CONTACT has ben my only solution to staying “out of the ring”. They still send cards or letters for occasions and sometimes requesting a casual visit as if nothing has happened. That is the crazy. The denial and pretending. Your family needs help….and if narcissism is at play, they will claim that only you need help, and they will fight hard to win and to get you to buy in.… Read more »
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