Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me.  I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable.  You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start.  You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult.  If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth.   I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you.  “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind.

Aligning with the man whom you know to have been beyond harmful to both my children and me in divorce– whatever that choice is– defies articulation.  In your final days, I suspect that is a choice you will feel good about.   Sadly, your other daughter will continue to confuse my children and create co-parent discord with her inappropriate entanglement with my ex– and hug extraction from our sons, while they are still small enough that they will hug on demand.  It is unwholesome and unkind to do as you collectively do.  Your grand daughters will either follow suit and destroy each other or they will recognize the darkness of what you do and choose otherwise.

You know why your grandsons are sweet and enjoyable…it is the result of the unconditional love they receive every day.  I am not perfect at anything– but being truthful- and trying- and being 100% faithful to THEM.  Loving(the verb) them, every day in their most difficult and inconvenient states, is behavior I am infinitely proud of.  I am equally proud of raising them to be loyal to each other and making it clear I will never choose one over the other or an outsider over them.  Period.  Unconditional love and loyalty are something we feel strongly about.  We practice and are proud to be bound in these ways.

The hugs you and your daughter extract from my children, make them uneasy–they complain that “they hold on too long“.  See…They know truth and kindness as a way of life.  And because of that, they recognize the contrast, even when nestled snugly beneath fun gifts,  parties and games.  They enjoy fun but do not feel relaxed or close with you.   In our family and home, hugs are for those with whom we share closeness and safety.  I used to bribe them to hug you and C, I guess they already sensed you weren’t safe because they just didn’t want to and could not explain why.  You confirmed their gut which I teach them to listen to.  Now, they allow hugs because their father requires them to—to be polite.

You all talk about bullies and mean spirits…  I was for a long time an angry and righteous person as I had learned to be, I had a mother and a sister 7 years my senior teaching me daily about showing others how little they matter.  Check your behaviors and antics to see where they fall.   For today, you are a cautionary tale.   What you say and do is a reflection of you.  All of it.

Your initiatives and behaviors illuminate opportunities for discussion of the subtleties of bullying and excluding–recognizing the two faces of those who perform friendliness(not kindness) when the right people are watching. Thank you for the contrast!

I wish for you to stop more than I wish you well.  It is true.  May 2017 heal the darkness in your heart, that you exercise over MY family.  I will pray for that.  Whatever happened to you to make you so cruel and punitive, for that I am deeply sorry.   Sadly, sweet boys are not into people who hurt their mommies.  Just as loving mothers do not tolerate those who diminish their children.

 

M

PS–This letter is not BadAss.  But finding my voice and saying my truth without apology is.  I have had enough.  I do not waste my breath saying this directly to you as you are willing only to yield to your own ideas and agendas.   I am owning my pain and my process and unwilling to pretend that I am ok with this.  It is 100% authenticity.  And that is BadAss.  I could post about how I am ok and totally surrendering this and will forgive but not forget.  For today, that is simply not true.  Cant heal or change what I don’t acknowledge.  Healing and changing is Wholesome and for BadAsses—and too much for others.

I am grateful for the heroic financial aid you offered when my ex refused payment of court ordered monies towards support, child care, tuition, and medical.  Thank you.  Most of my life I confused pity and charity for love…and often sought those things.  Yuck!  Today, I choose kindness—punishment, bailouts, and gifts are all just power plays.  It sure seems that I am expected to show gratitude in the form of compliance and accepting the unacceptable, as my due.

Be proud, you raised a survivor, a broken girl who grew into  a woman with enough self-respect and self-love to avoid those who diminish her in any way.  That is a miracle.  What more could you want for me?

For shorter posts, connect with me on Instagram- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

WBA@wholesomebadass.com

Author: Wholesome BadAss

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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BD-In réponse to your email re: Trump and my female sibling. I must share my response here– about the two main distinctions–He has better hair and admits to liking Pu##y. At some point I may regret this…but for today, it feels necessary. The anger for what she has done to me as a child and adult is impossible to manage while being denied any opportunity to heal from her past abuse and her present crusade. Her need to destroy me for knowing what possibly, only I can know is very telling. Nobody cares. She is married to a judge and… Read more »
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