Love is kind-right?

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Not until my older son was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory integration disorder(SPD), did I learn why I had been uncomfortable, tense, overly-stressed my entire life, particularly for family occasions where food smells and volume alone, felt cruel.  The word overwhelming does not begin to describe those experiences.  I came to believe I was the “pain in the ass” I was reported to be, unworthy of comfort and connection.  I learned to hate who I was-at a cellular level, my existence was all wrong.  I was angry and as my family likes to remind me, very difficult.  Who wouldn’t have been difficult in the circumstances?  Totally owning that!!!

Not knowing how to seek shelter from sensory stimulus had a devastating impact;  In my family, those  unwilling unable to mask signs of stress and discomfort are not be tolerated or indulged.  I believe much of the wreckage of my life has its origins here, leading my fruitless pursuit for connection with emotionally remote others. Continue reading “Love is kind-right?”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Go Where The Love Is

 

Easy Love is the good feeling that happens when something or someone pleases us.  BadAss Love is a commitment, a promise.  

Love is kind.  Love wants the best for us without condition.  For some of us, love takes practice and requires a model or a program.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Inside Jokes and Situational Nicknames

Needy as shit this week, I have been relentless- calling Sweet Greg or peppering him with texts with a word or reference to something hysterically funny, to only the two of us. While it is for amusement,  I do this for assurance…subtextually asking,”were you really there?  did this really happen?  are we connected?”  Consistently, he blows my mind with quick and clever responses, both fun and affirming.  Our best laughs are almost always those in which are laughing directly AT our selves, not at each other…or laughing at someone else, but only because we relate—in that insider kind of way.

I feast on moments of shared synchronized laughter with Greg  which get boiled down from a story to a single word or phrase that will NEVER DIE.  Unceasingly, we bring it back and inject it whenever possible.  Difficult to know if our  inside jokes are the cause or the result of our deep knowing of each other.  The laughing is from a place or relating, to each other or a situation.  It is the expression of joy- of being inside, together, and knowing together. It is wholesome!   It is not that weird, scary laugh AT a another.  The constant unspoken message is “I get you, I totally get you.”   We are united in the sentiment that nothing is funny if it causes someone pain.  Mean humor, I no longer appreciate or tolerate.  I have done my share.  More unlearning…

Laughter is healing and comforting and sexy.  It is totally the shortest distance between two people.  I am finding that with my Trusted Others, that together, we are able to cry as hard as we laugh.

I am grateful to have recovered a wholesome sense of humor.  For decades I enjoyed and employed humor that was aimed passively or even actively at diminishing others.  I am sorry for that.  But- I am happy to now have the Courage to Change.  Changing and growing is for badasses!  Wholesome laughter is for Badasses.  The other kind is for bad asses.

 

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Get Back Up! (again)

This position is uncomfortable and I prefer the other view. Deep Breath. I will get myself up- do the next right thing.  Dogs to groomer, serve my boss,  be present for the joy of preparing for my older son’s birthday party.  It would be much easier to lay here indulging fantasy and regret. If I spend one minute thinking of those who might enjoy smugly eluding to their sympathy for me with each other, that is a minute wasted.  Today, I am free to focus on love and kindness.  I am free to be of service to someone in need.  I am free to feel and share and heal my pain.  I am free to be angry and to work through it, without denying it or trying to offload it onto anyone.  I am free to resume this position at any time. Oh, goody. Continue reading “Get Back Up! (again)”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share

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Feeling concerned for the fallout of  saying NO to the gracious awkward invitation to sit at the table with people who cast me out harshly and publicly and then demand request my appearance, I began researching how to proceed—even with my unfortunate and evil ways, of course.  See, I am called to continually get over hurtful and damaging things directed at me.  To act as if…

My non-coercibility has earned me the title of withholding, deserving, imagining, or causing the unkindness- which persists in this way, each time I show up for more.  My recovery teaches me that I no longer have to volunteer for this.  I no longer participate in my own abuse.

The abusive words and behaviors are denied entirely, labelled as my wrong perceptions, or defended as facts–sworn and believed to come from a place of honor and rightness– not hurt or anger. Hurt and anger are for losers like me.   Broken enough to feel and foolish enough to share.   Saddened I am, by the reminder that healing and hope for myself exist only in the absence of these dynamics.  I suppose the relief  is in knowing that this sickness is not uncommon and I am not alone.   Bad news, I cant cure or change it, I can avoid it.  Dear Family, I am unable to attend the 2016 Christmas Performance dinner.  Please accept this  as my rsvp.

Continue reading “Holiday Performances-Broken Enough to Feel, Foolish Enough to Share”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Silence- Not Equal to Peace and Grace

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Silence can indeed be a form of grace and peace.  However, when it is the requirement or expectation by one party for another to be silent, it is oppressive and bullying.  When communication and acknowledgment are withheld, that is passive aggressive, coward bullshit  unwholesome and unloving.

For those with pinched smiles and silent nods striving for a Pollyanna vibe, it is a choice to refrain…but to judge and alienate those with the courage to speak, is nasty…not gracious.  Speaking up in peace and love, especially when awkward or scary, to elevate, is God’s work.  God and love do not demand silence. Can there even be grace without kindness?  Kindness– the energy of love, not a social or friendly posture/persona.

Greg and I enjoy and need silent time, together and apart; the peaceful kind that allows us to recharge…wholesome, not confusing, banishing, or scary.  I am grateful to know the distinction between wholesome silence and the icky controlling silence- my cue to get some space.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/