When Your Mother Is Just Not That Into You

I learned today that my mother is not doing well.  She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health.  I suspect my sister will share the info with my ex-husband to pass on to me, which is….. whatever.   And here his the thing.  If my mother passed tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t have done one thing from the past 10 years differently.  I showed up and served and reached out time after time.  I took all the risk.   I made myself available and vulnerable for service, healing, and connection….repeatedly and was handled like a dirty diaper, because I made decisions for my family that were best for us.

My refusal to show up for dinners and events and pretending that this didn’t and does not still happen or hurt,  is the choice I make.  Will her passing change things?  It will not change my values or my responsibility for my own self-preservation.  My mother’s rejection of my requests to heal, in addition to her overt disrespect for my detachment from situations that are harmful, keep us where we are.   The presence of a loving, loyal, supportive mother will be no less in 20 years than it is today or last year.  This is a painful truth- not one I can change-just accept.

I can hear it now… “She is impossible to love”, because that feels safer than saying “I was unable to give her the love she deserved”.  Or “She was incapable of feeling love”.  Again, safer than saying, “I am incapable of being loving and vulnerable”.    Why would I want to engage or expose myself to those so utterly right, at my expense?  I Surrender!     I am no longer ashamed of the way you behave towards me.  That is your business 100%  Be right.  Just do it over there and leave me to my life with those who feel and show love for me.  Surrender is for Badasses.  I fucken surrender my mother and sister.

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WBA@wholesomebadass.com

Author: Wholesome BadAss

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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5 Comments on "When Your Mother Is Just Not That Into You"

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Cheryl
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Society teaches us that our parents must love us and we must love them back. Musts and shoulds are useless in the real world where we are vulnerable to all kinds of dysfunction. Sometimes we must detach from family members for our own good. We certainly can’t change them. As Maggie explained here, I think what is important for me is to be able to look back or forward (look, not stare) and self -check “will I have regrets?” If the answer is no, I’m doing the best thing for me.

G...
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From what I’ve been witness to, you have most certainly made all attempts to improve the relationship. Your efforts have been admirable! In the end, it takes two, and you can’t fix a relationship when there’s no desire from the other party. It’s an Unfortunate Fact.

Maureen
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The title of this caught my eye and made me smile. As you know, my mother was not that into me, either. And she died before our relationship was “fixed”. Perhaps it couldn’t be fixed, anyway. Now I am facing the reality that my father also doesn’t have much regard for me. Trying to shed the guilt I feel over that. Was I a horrible daughter? Unlovable? Undeserving of parental affection? What did I do that was so wrong? Oh, aside from moving with my kids to Africa.

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