I learned today that my mother is not doing well. She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health. I suspect my sister will share the info with my ex-husband to pass on to me, which is….. whatever. And here his the thing. If my mother passed tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t have done one thing from the past 10 years differently. I showed up and served and reached out time after time. I took all the risk. I made myself available and vulnerable for service, healing, and connection….repeatedly and was handled like a dirty diaper, because I made decisions for my family that were best for us.
My refusal to show up for dinners and events and pretending that this didn’t and does not still happen or hurt, is the choice I make. Will her passing change things? It will not change my values or my responsibility for my own self-preservation. My mother’s rejection of my requests to heal, in addition to her overt disrespect for my detachment from situations that are harmful, keep us where we are. The presence of a loving, loyal, supportive mother will be no less in 20 years than it is today or last year. This is a painful truth- not one I can change-just accept.
I can hear it now… “She is impossible to love”, because that feels safer than saying “I was unable to give her the love she deserved”. Or “She was incapable of feeling love”. Again, safer than saying, “I am incapable of being loving and vulnerable”. Why would I want to engage or expose myself to those so utterly right, at my expense? I Surrender! I am no longer ashamed of the way you behave towards me. That is your business 100% Be right. Just do it over there and leave me to my life with those who feel and show love for me. Surrender is for Badasses. I fucken surrender my mother and sister.