Wake The Fuck Up

First off, I will say that yelling and saying FUCK is neither wholesome nor badass.  This is a point of departure for me, not my final destination.  I am a work in progress…Unlearning and reparenting myself requires revisiting the pain from the past which threatens to haunt the present if I do not identify and unhook from the myths of my childhood experience.

When I was still quite young, I generally felt insignificant and doubted my actual existence….suspecting, wondering perhaps if I did, but only as part of someone else’s dream. I longed terribly for my dreamer to wake, so I could be finished with not mattering.  As a college student, in possession of my very own answering machine (back in the day), I was able to listen to my own outgoing message(repeatedly), as affirmation of a voice that could be heard, if only by me.  I see now why I resorted to excessive volume and profanity in response to life with those in our “family” home.  When you either cannot be heard or what you say has no value……

Later I discovered the comfort of sniffing repeatedly at my own wrists.  Applying Egyptian Musk or Lavender Oil each morning; scents that I knew, preferred and chose for myself, developed into ritualistic attempts at self soothing from the pain of my questionable existence.  As a one whom is intensely affected by sensory input, those scents– purchased and applied by me were at times, proof enough.  Smells don’t lie!   Confident of my existence today, I seek serenity; serenity in the form of complete abstinence from those attempting to erase or diminish me; discounting my presence and worthiness.  I matter.  I am real.  I am worthy of love and connection and reserve myself for those whom share these sentiments.  I am awake and connected deeply to a power greater than THEM myself.  The god-less existence was a nightmare.

Please?
For shorter posts, connect with me on Instagram- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

WBA@wholesomebadass.com

Author: Wholesome BadAss

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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