After nearly a year of NO Contact-My mother and I have a seat in her living room.
Me: So, lets just get this behind us. What exactly are you confused about, regarding this arrangement with my ex and how it affects me?
Mom: I feel confused that you say you don’t feel safe with us.
Me: Mom, You all hosted a dinner with everyone including my ex, his sister and my kids that excluded me.
Mom: you were invited. I remember.
Me: I found out when the boys called and said they were on their way home from the dinner. I emailed the next day asking why you all would do it. I got a character assassination email telling me all the ways I earned it, but that I was welcome to join any future events, though it is highly unlikely I could ever be a true member of a functioning family. The letter confirmed and justified the plan to exclude me. All attendees of the dinner were copied on the email.
Mom: Well, you write things on your blog that are outright lies.
Me: I write my experience. You say I was invited to your secret dinner. Is that a lie? Or Is that your experience? Ok, I didn’t come here for this. I see you have no inclination to think or say that you all have behaved in ways that are unsafe for me. Your only issue is why I wont come to dinner still. Mom, I used to sit at tables and fuck people who spoke to me as you do. I don’t anymore. I wont. You using my ex to circumvent our issues and gain access to my young sons is damaging to my family. My boys are footing the bill for that arrangement.
Mom: I don’t believe that to be the case.
Me: Ok, tell yourself that. I am going to go now. My sons understand that what you all choose hurts their mom, and they do not like you. They will never trust you. How sad, for everyone that you are ok with this.
Mom: (Quick to stand and escort me out) Maggie, I wish you well.
Me(Screaming, for the last time at my mother, desperate to be heard, to matter enough): That is a lie. You having an arrangement that divides the boys’ father and me, making it more difficult to work to arrange the most basic of things, is evil-unnecessary stress for my sons, not well wishing. Pure fucken evil.
Miraculously, I turn and close the door without slamming it and I hear it lock behind me. THE END
Tragic endings are better than tragic continuations. The truth of her intentions to heal or connect have been made clear, infinitely. I am grateful. To have any doubt or false hope removed for me. Truth and clarity seeking is badass. Needless complexity is just plain bad.
PS–To be clear here, what divides my boys emotionally and spiritually from my mother and sister is the breaking of our code. We never are silent bystanders to someone being diminished by another. My boys are well known and praised for this at their school. They witness the pain this causes me and the the pronounced stress between their father and me. For now they have no choice. They are called and their father takes them there. And in their hearts, they know what is happening and that it does not feel healthy for OUR family, their chosen arrangement is harmful.) My mother can enjoy her shared opinions and values with the like minded. My boys are not of like mind. We have different values in our home. We do not have them AT my family of origin. We choose to live and love by different codes which are diametrically opposed to their own. This is an unpleasant fact-not a problem. Still sad. People righteously harming others is our cue to speak up and then to step away. Still too young, they do not currently have that choice.
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