Acceptance, Faith, Intimacy, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Love is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful

I will begin by saying this is not my most wholesome post.  My wholesome pleas have been mocked and dismissed.  This is where I am.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.

I am feeling especially sore as we approach the one year anniversary of the birthday dinner for my son at my sister’s home to include my foo, ex, children, and my ex in-laws AND not me, followed by a confirmation group email as to why it was necessary.  The continued arrangement- and strain in co-parenting that persists as a result- seem impossible to forget or forgive.  Yes, I am angry. Anger expressed directly or openly in my family is deemed proof of defectiveness.  I respectfully, disagree.  I openly own that this is cause for anger which I will share in a place where I cannot be silenced or erased.

Recovery teaches me the value of feelings, to respect them- whether I understand or share them, they are real and can teach us, though not universal truths.  Recovery also teaches me to stick close to those who solicit authenticity, which by definition, requires non-masking of feelings and direct communication.  I limit my chosen interactions to Trusted Others– where there is no expectation to apologize for emotions and how I choose to survive what I experience as painful and abusive.  I am no longer available for the debate over the validity of my emotional experiences.   I hold myself  accountable only for my behavior, not my feelings, and definitely not for anybody else’s behavior.  

Honor loyalty with loyalty and disloyalty with space.  How do you handle disloyalty?  Is there a better way?  

Decades dedicated to futile attempts to force people #behindthecurtain to see what my sister does.  Failure. 💯

In the last year, as horrifying as it is, I am grateful that she put her #hatefulshit into group emails to which I declined response and/or responded with honor.  At first I felt #humiliated because our family culture upholds that their #badbehavior is a reflection of me.  That I cause, earn, deserve  abuse, which evidently I also imagine.  Really?  Oh.  Okay.  My miracle is that I did not at any point resort to retaliating or defending myself.  Just asking why?   Why would you do this to my children?

Apparently, my sons are to help shoulder the debt for of all the abuse which I cause. 😰(My sister) Catherine Ghoneim Whitney’s unwholesome alliance with my ex husband, has put my young sons unnecessarily under sustained stress, and and by the grace of god, has rightly revealed what I could not.

Very grateful to have had enough recovery to allow it to unfold in ways that are undeniable, to people with souls, ethics, regard for children and loyalty.  Trying to prove anything is a soul-killing nightmare-waste of time.  Nothing I can say of her will speak more loudly than her choices and behaviors with my ex, whom she began pursuing independently of me and our family(outside of me) and getting to know when we moved here 2 years ago.  My mother’s blind allegiance to her and emphatic declaration that the only problem is my reaction is also painful AF!

I am striving every day to unlearn and to reparent myself so that I may break this cycle of sneaky, barely contained rage and righteousness.  For I have surely learned what I lived and engaged those tools for years, mimicking those righteous, damaging attitudes and behaviors.  One day at a time I strive towards becoming my most wholesome badass self.  Because when you know better, you do better.  And first I had to become willing to learn and look at some painful and very difficult shit.  I am a work in progress.  Looking at difficult shit and evolving is 100% wholesomebadass.

Thank you to my sweetest and sanest WBA, Greg who assures me that even if there had been a previously existing relationship between my sister and my now ex, that in a healthy family, with commitment to honor and loyalty to each other, this would not happen.  Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney probably asserts that she is being loving by including them– when actually, she is imposing confusion and inner conflict- hosting events that require them to disregard what they feel and know to be true about love, loyalty, their mother and the meaning of family—that is not kind or loving or good for children—or even adults.   Forced disassociation is psychologically traumatizing. Deep sigh.  Additionally having a mother and father that can no longer work together is deeply painful for them.

I write and share to heal, not because I am a writer or wise or profound. And I thank you for being here, as an enlightened witness.  Healing from this can not occur in silence, shame, or solitude which have been the expectation-or requirement/term of engagement.  I post my sister’s full name because while she shows blatant disregard for the wholesomeness of my children and my family, she is known for caring immensely about her skillfully crafted image/illusion of herself.  I post the facts of what she has done because people are silently consenting and witnessing what is happening.  If asked directly, “Are you really spending time and making plans with your sister’s ex husband while not speaking to your sister?  Have you pursued and maintained a relationship with him, and understand how that causes strained co-parenting for them? Do you really hang out with ex inlaws and have them at the holiday gatherings, even though you did not know them before?”  There is no denying.  Lying, maybe, probably. Her campaign to make me look too broken to deal with and as if I have opted out and claim that I am welcome anytime is a farce. For as long as my children are being used, I will continue to post about the ways in which she hurts them and robs them of their innocence and serenity, in the name of her brand of love.   If she ever shows any genuine interest in repairing the mess between us which she has enflamed by using my children, I will surely oblige.  And if I look or seem broken, I think it would stand to reason that growing up with a mother and sister who regard me in this way would be crushing to anyone’s spirit.

And, for giggles, let’s say I am 100% nuts and evil, though no action or word of my own(to her or them):) for the last decade offers proof…do children deserve this?

My pain and confusion may take a lifetime to reconcile…. the incongruity of their behaviors and words “We just want to be together.  We want the best for you. Let’s just put our differences aside (subtext:  while we fuck you over to get our needs met)”  The deceit and torrent of accusations and character assassination do not line up with their spoken messages of love.   Actions are truth.  Perhaps others would process this differently.  I am not others.  I am me.  Please, just let my children be innocent and whole/undivided.  Is that so difficult to respect?  Is it?

Love and messy healing,

Magda Gee

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

5 Comments on “Love is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful

  1. Magda,
    You are definitely badass mama, not messing around when it comes to your baby bears or your sister. Your ex does have some culpability here-and you never seem to acknowledge that.
    I am cheering for you and your family. Sending thoughts of healing to all. Your boys will grow from what they are learning and the example you are setting. If your sister has children, they too will learn from her example. 🙁

    1. Hey Badmama-

      Thank you for being here, for showing yourself and sharing your thoughts. Yes, my ex has total culpability. However, I have to avoid sharing much of him because one day my boys will be on the internet reading what mommy writes and I want to spare them the details that I am desperate to share here but dare not. So, here is what I will say. He has one sister nobody speaks to. and two sisters in which they all take turns triangulating, and frequently he has been the not chosen one and is hurt deeply by that. I think having my sister pick him(even though his main credential is being my ex) feels like a win to him. When I asked him to stop so they would be forced to heal and work and not have the luxury to circumvent the lifetime and wreckage if they want to see my boys, he said to me “They have no intention of working it out with you so that is not a good reason” and “I don’t know anybody here”, so as pathetic as it is, I get that. However, when we were working together, I shared my friends and family with him so he really has nothing to lose but the delicious trauma bond with my sister. My experiences with each of them are so similar. I literally married my sister and divorced them both. Their alliance has re-ignited an anger between us that can not be masked. Seriously, how can he go and celebrate and eat with them and then come and be respectful and collaborate with me? So, for no reason at all, other than I suspected my sister of valuing the appearance of higher standards than he, I am actually surprised that she has behaved in the ways she has. He has nothing to lose personally and likes being associated with them because they have money and country club life, like maybe it will rub off on him. Anyway, what my sister knows of him (the things that went down between us) and her choice to position herself this way— this makes her a terrorist. I never imagined she would show her ass and her teeth so openly. She is gifted at gossip and passively sharing petty and unfortunate info, in the form of concern or pity while tearing people down. But this, this, there is no denying how fucked up this is. I cannot even tell if I am glad my boys think she is awkward and weird or if it makes me sad that they don’t have an Aunt they can go to for fun or comfort. Thank god I have best friend and best boyfriend ever– here– who will unconditionally be there for them offering love and loyalty and compassion. Thanks again for being her and for asking and fro reading this possibly redundant rant.

      Big messy love and healing,
      Magda Gee

  2. Dahling Magda.

    Honor loyalty with loyalty and disloyalty with space. How do you handle disloyalty? Is there a better way?

    IMHO, deceit, disloyalty, all those words, at their far extreme, are called BETRAYAL, which, in my relationships, is the cardinal sin. Cardinal. Red. Alien at least to Westerners. When I was little and we moved to Virginia, I was amazed that some birds were red. They were NOT real birds, they were like pieces of candy or at least like chocolate Easter bunnies, just not to be taken seriously as birds.

    What you are talking about your ex and your execrable sister and (possibly) lunatic mom is betrayal. They are not real people, but in their cases certainly not chocolate, either.

    Your share up above there exudes a little odeur de stuckness, don’t you smell it yourself? OK, wait, I didn’t answer your question there. You are actually doing just real close to what I’d do and advise anyone to do. “Disloyalty with space.” A “friend” of mine once invited me to a New Year’s party at her house in another city. I could stay with her, but I was thinking of a hotel just for something different. Hadn’t done that for a while. I was kind of excited, partly b/c she invited my new ABF (I didn’t know about the A part at the time because I was stupid), and I kept raving about how wonderful he was, O little did I know, BUT that’s not the point. We were making our plans to go, when I got another letter from her. This was in the day of pen and paper letters with real stamps on them, a while back. But I digress.
    A few days before the party, she wrote to me.
    She was semi-uninviting me. She had not been able to mention it before, but now felt she had to. Since I had become a Christian, she had been having all sorts of trouble even talking to me. I was always trying to force my religion on her. Now she was afraid I would do the same to her other friends, and embarrass her to DEATH. If I could promise to “go back to the way I used to be” and make no tiny squeak about my newfound Christian faith, I was welcome to come. Otherwise, I’d better find another way to celebrate.
    I didn’t even answer. Space. I have never spoken to her since, and she had honestly been one of my best friends.

    So that’s my answer. I, too, would respond to disloyalty with space. I’ve done it and would do it again. I even made my step-daughter go home to PDX with her wild (little SAVAGE) child while her dad, my husband, was dying. I love her, but I loved myself and Louis more. There is also, Choose your battles which I have learned the hard way.

    I don’t know whether all this blather has answered your question at all. You could prove your loyalty to me by coming to visit and see what I’ve been doing in my second bathroom. The new tub, the mural of flowers, birds, butterflies, mostly flowers. Please gird up your loins if you come, and be prepared to forgive me anything if you hate tasteful kitsch, if you don’t like all this stuff! You love me, I love you, that counts more than any number of candy birds and butterflies.

    To thine own self be true, Honey,
    I love your little fancy-painter toenails!
    Jay Jay (Gigi)

    1. Yes Sweet GiGi,

      I am stuck. I literally lived majority of my life without genuine or healthy contact with my sister. However, good parenting says I shall work together with boys’ father for their best interest. He is wanting to co-erce me into birthday planning and arranging for my younger son to meet his needs. My head wants to pop right off. I want to say, Go eff yourself. Have another birthday with Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney…you are partners with her and for as long as you choose that, it will be what it is. He can have them. They are so well matched but he cannot also have me while serving as the obstacle to time sensitive healing of my family, providing them the option to circumvent the big elephant to get to my children. It is so fucken creepy who they gather and perform and the effects they have on my boys. I am grateful they know they can share anything with me and that I will ever hold it against them that they go when required. They say once they are 18 it won’t be an issue anymore. I don’t know if that means because their dad and I won’t have to work together or because they can say no. So distance to all who are disloyal. I treat the boys dad like a co-worker whom I am not wild about. It is the best I can do. But he makes demands and asks favors and is critical. I initiate him for nothing. No favors. No criticism. No demands. I hate that we had come so far and done so much work and my sisters scheme affirmed all of his anger from our divorce and put us back to square one. We were a miracle a success story. Making a cross country move together as a family, me coming to help my mother. All of it. I think that might have unnerved my sister. She got so much traction off of being the GOOD one….and if there can only be one….Oh well. Wearing white every day with a pinched smile just doesn’t fool good people. I am angry, making the best of it. I know it will be better for every one when I stop being angry. For today, I will just openly own it. I think it is bullshit. I think her behavior is horrifying and damaging. And she would lose her mind if I messed with her daughters. She made sure to regulate contact between us even though they are college age. She is modeling what sisters do to each other. The will either grow up and betray each other because that is what she modeled for them or they will see through it, know it is bad behavior and choose better for themselves. It is all a cautionary tale. If only my sons could be spared. Yes, I would love to visit and be hermits together and see all of your fancy kitsch and second bathroom. PS- Your friend needed a program of recovery and space. You done good, though I know it is painful. You are a mistress of wisdom and recovery, and a woman of God, all beautiful.

      Love your presence,
      Always
      Magda Gee

  3. The cartoon of the women and the girl is jarring. I never knew how to describe what I felt to be happening in my family. I just knew I mattered less.

    Thank you for sharing!

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