Love is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful

I will begin by saying this is not my most wholesome post.  My wholesome pleas have been mocked and dismissed.  This is where I am.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.

I am feeling especially sore as we approach the one year anniversary of the birthday dinner for my son at my sister’s home to include my foo, ex, children, and my ex in-laws AND not me, followed by a confirmation group email as to why it was necessary.  The continued arrangement- and strain in co-parenting that persists as a result- seem impossible to forget or forgive.  Yes, I am angry. Anger expressed directly or openly in my family is deemed proof of defectiveness.  I respectfully, disagree.  I openly own that this is cause for anger which I will share in a place where I cannot be silenced or erased.

Recovery teaches me the value of feelings, to respect them- whether I understand or share them, they are real and can teach us, though not universal truths.  Recovery also teaches me to stick close to those who solicit authenticity, which by definition, requires non-masking of feelings and direct communication.  I limit my chosen interactions to Trusted Others– where there is no expectation to apologize for emotions and how I choose to survive what I experience as painful and abusive.  I am no longer available for the debate over the validity of my emotional experiences.   I hold myself  accountable only for my behavior, not my feelings, and definitely not for anybody else’s behavior.  

Honor loyalty with loyalty and disloyalty with space.  How do you handle disloyalty?  Is there a better way?  

Decades dedicated to futile attempts to force people #behindthecurtain to see what my sister does.  Failure. 💯

In the last year, as horrifying as it is, I am grateful that she put her #hatefulshit into group emails to which I declined response and/or responded with honor.  At first I felt #humiliated because our family culture upholds that their #badbehavior is a reflection of me.  That I cause, earn, deserve  abuse, which evidently I also imagine.  Really?  Oh.  Okay.  My miracle is that I did not at any point resort to retaliating or defending myself.  Just asking why?   Why would you do this to my children?

Apparently, my sons are to help shoulder the debt for of all the abuse which I cause. 😰 Catherine Ghoneim Whitney’s unwholesome alliance with my ex husband, has put my young sons unnecessarily under sustained stress, and and by the grace of god, has rightly revealed what I could not.

Very grateful to have had enough recovery to allow it to unfold in ways that are undeniable, to people with souls, ethics, regard for children and loyalty.  Trying to prove anything is a soul-killing nightmare-waste of time.  Nothing I can say of her will speak more loudly than her choices and behaviors with my ex, whom she began pursuing independently of me and our family(outside of me) and getting to know when we moved here 2 years ago.  My mother’s blind allegiance to her and emphatic declaration that the only problem is my reaction is also painful AF!

I am striving every day to unlearn and to reparent myself so that I may break this cycle of sneaky, barely contained rage and righteousness.  For I have surely learned what I lived and engaged those tools for years, mimicking those righteous, damaging attitudes and behaviors.  One day at a time I strive towards becoming my most wholesome badass self.  Because when you know better, you do better.  And first I had to become willing to learn and look at some painful and very difficult shit.  I am a work in progress.  Looking at difficult shit and evolving is 100% wholesomebadass.

Thank you to my sweetest and sanest WBA, Greg who assures me that even if there had been a previously existing relationship between my sister and my now ex, that in a healthy family, with commitment to honor and loyalty to each other, this would not happen.  Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney probably asserts that she is being loving by including them– when actually, she is imposing confusion and inner conflict- hosting events that require them to disregard what they feel and know to be true about love, loyalty, their mother and the meaning of family—that is not kind or loving or good for children—or even adults.   Forced disassociation is psychologically traumatizing. Deep sigh.  Additionally having a mother and father that can no longer work together is deeply painful for them.

I write and share to heal, not because I am a writer or wise or profound. And I thank you for being here, as an enlightened witness.  Healing from this can not occur in silence, shame, or solitude which have been the expectation-or requirement/term of engagement.  I post my sister’s full name because while she shows blatant disregard for the wholesomeness of my children and my family, she is known for caring immensely about her skillfully crafted image/illusion of herself.  I post the facts of what she has done because people are silently consenting and witnessing what is happening.  If asked directly, “Are you really spending time and making plans with your sister’s ex husband while not speaking to your sister?  Have you pursued and maintained a relationship with him, and understand how that causes strained co-parenting for them? Do you really hang out with ex inlaws and have them at the holiday gatherings, even though you did not know them before?”  There is no denying.  Lying, maybe, probably. Her campaign to make me look too broken to deal with and as if I have opted out and claim that I am welcome anytime is a farce. For as long as my children are being used, I will continue to post about the ways in which she hurts them and robs them of their innocence and serenity, in the name of her brand of love.   If she ever shows any genuine interest in repairing the mess between us which she has enflamed by using my children, I will surely oblige.  And if I look or seem broken, I think it would stand to reason that growing up with a mother and sister who regard me in this way would be crushing to anyone’s spirit.

And, for giggles, let’s say I am 100% nuts and evil, though no action or word of my own(to her or them):) for the last decade offers proof…do children deserve this?

My pain and confusion may take a lifetime to reconcile…. the incongruity of their behaviors and words “We just want to be together.  We want the best for you. Let’s just put our differences aside (subtext:  while we fuck you over to get our needs met)”  The deceit and torrent of accusations and character assassination do not line up with their spoken messages of love.   Actions are truth.  Perhaps others would process this differently.  I am not others.  I am me.  Please, just let my children be innocent and whole/undivided.  Is that so difficult to respect?  Is it?

Love and messy healing,

Magda Gee

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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5 Comments on "Love is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful"

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BadMama
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Magda,
You are definitely badass mama, not messing around when it comes to your baby bears or your sister. Your ex does have some culpability here-and you never seem to acknowledge that.
I am cheering for you and your family. Sending thoughts of healing to all. Your boys will grow from what they are learning and the example you are setting. If your sister has children, they too will learn from her example. 🙁

JayyyyyJay
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Dahling Magda. Honor loyalty with loyalty and disloyalty with space. How do you handle disloyalty? Is there a better way? IMHO, deceit, disloyalty, all those words, at their far extreme, are called BETRAYAL, which, in my relationships, is the cardinal sin. Cardinal. Red. Alien at least to Westerners. When I was little and we moved to Virginia, I was amazed that some birds were red. They were NOT real birds, they were like pieces of candy or at least like chocolate Easter bunnies, just not to be taken seriously as birds. What you are talking about your ex and your… Read more »
Tonea
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The cartoon of the women and the girl is jarring. I never knew how to describe what I felt to be happening in my family. I just knew I mattered less.

Thank you for sharing!

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