Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact

screen-shot-2016-11-24-at-7-50-32-amToday’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.

Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?”  Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death.  Call me dramatic, whatever.  This is my story.

Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me.  My body knows the truth–keeps the score.

I amuse myself and others by sharing how my mother, with a glimpse of nausea, in her second cycle of chemo reported, “I can count on one hand, the number of times I have vomited in my life”. Laughing I responded, “I can count on one hand, the number of times I vomited since breakfast”. We differ at a cellular level.  To say that we do not relate, is an understatement.

After my recent and open crucification, for my direct request to face our issues, I am condemned for now refusing to assume my rightful place— on cue.  Recent words and behaviors have  confirmed what my lil body and mind knew from an early age. I am not accepted.  It is ok to be cruel to me, who burdens you with things too inconvenient to understand.  I am grateful for the clarity provided by overtly diminishing behaviors.

Today’s Thanksgiving is a gathering of belonging and connection, terms which are mutually agreeable.  WE are together(not just in the same location–but together) my darleeeeng boyfriend, his son and my boys. This is not my first choice reality, but it is a great choice and a great reality!

“Blood is thicker than water??”  But blood does not justify or resolve the affects of untreated addiction and mental illness. Today, I know that we are each worthy of love and connection…no matter what. Life is too short and too difficult to spend time with anyone suggesting otherwise. Special Occasions Together/sharing proximity,food, and photo opps no longer serve as a place-holder for loving connection.  We will never have more than we are willing to settle for.  If for no other reason, I do this for my children.  I model connection and kindness and self preservation.

PS—A girl dropped from the bridge yesterday into traffic.  The only thing, I can know for certain, that separates me from her- is that I never did it.  Sometimes when people are left with no sense of connection or a single loyal ally, death seems better than the pain of living.  I totally get that.  I ache for the girl, for her family, for the person whose car she landed on, and for those who suffer in silence, shame, and solitude.  The efforts to diminish and silence those in pain is unacceptable to me.  I can never pay back the nurturing and love of those who have sustained me…I will pay it forward.  Sharing difficult truths is paying it forward and 100% BadAss!

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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8 Comments on "Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact"

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Leigh
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Amen. Changing conditioned patterns takes time and we may indeed experience a change in this reaction patterns that allow us to ” match calamity with serenity.” My program has restored my peace of mind, given me purpose and the opportunity to be of service to God and others.

JJ
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“Spend time with the right people”? That quote came from over to the right and a little below. I’d say, spend time with the people you love. I am spending time with my daughter today, as on most days. I’d like to be spending time with some other relatives, too, but decided it would be too much – of everything. My dogs will substitute for them. It took ever so long to get to the place where I’d rather have less than too much – or ANY – of bad things and people around me. Going to someone’s house for… Read more »
Nora
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Thank you for putting untreated mental illness & addiction together!

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