Today’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.
Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?” Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death. Call me dramatic, whatever. This is my story.
Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me. My body knows the truth–keeps the score.
I amuse myself and others by sharing how my mother, with a glimpse of nausea, in her second cycle of chemo reported, “I can count on one hand, the number of times I have vomited in my life”. Laughing I responded, “I can count on one hand, the number of times I vomited since breakfast”. We differ at a cellular level. To say that we do not relate, is an understatement.
After my recent and open crucification, for my direct request to face our issues, I am condemned for now refusing to assume my rightful place— on cue. Recent words and behaviors have confirmed what my lil body and mind knew from an early age. I am not accepted. It is ok to be cruel to me, who burdens you with things too inconvenient to understand. I am grateful for the clarity provided by overtly diminishing behaviors.
Today’s Thanksgiving is a gathering of belonging and connection, terms which are mutually agreeable. WE are together(not just in the same location–but together) my darleeeeng boyfriend, his son and my boys. This is not my first choice reality, but it is a great choice and a great reality!
“Blood is thicker than water??” But blood does not justify or resolve the affects of untreated addiction and mental illness. Today, I know that we are each worthy of love and connection…no matter what. Life is too short and too difficult to spend time with anyone suggesting otherwise. Special Occasions Together/sharing proximity,food, and photo opps no longer serve as a place-holder for loving connection. We will never have more than we are willing to settle for. If for no other reason, I do this for my children. I model connection and kindness and self preservation.
PS—A girl dropped from the bridge yesterday into traffic. The only thing, I can know for certain, that separates me from her- is that I never did it. Sometimes when people are left with no sense of connection or a single loyal ally, death seems better than the pain of living. I totally get that. I ache for the girl, for her family, for the person whose car she landed on, and for those who suffer in silence, shame, and solitude. The efforts to diminish and silence those in pain is unacceptable to me. I can never pay back the nurturing and love of those who have sustained me…I will pay it forward. Sharing difficult truths is paying it forward and 100% BadAss!Much Love,
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