So it seems like juuuuusssst maybe the key to living a peaceful and meaningful existence- is in learning how to recover from difficult people, events, experiences, and feelings…AND not in avoiding them or pretending as if they are non-existent. Shit! I am deeply entrenched in my desire for distance and avoidance of those with Pollyanna perfectionist tendencies who, while aggressively smiling, elect to
deny oversimplify diminish complex issues of which they lack any genuine interest or understanding.
Having my reality denied by people I was supposed to trust and count on—my inherent and uninformed reaction to that, as a child, and then also as a stunted adult – was(is sometimes still) to double tf down to prove and defend my pain— with zero consideration or information about learning to acknowledge and relieve distress in appropriate ways. I have wasted four-plus decades(and counting) waiting & begging for acknowledgement of and permission to share my pain and be comforted, relieved, helped— by those who “loved” me.
And perhaps there was love. But I say with fair certainty, even so, the collective decision making and approaches bore little resemblance to love for me. Love(the verb)—attitude and behavior born out of high regard and loyalty, an unrelenting need to protect and commitment to nurture. That is how I would describe my love for my children. By this measure I love them immensely, but do I always love them well….not so much. I admit: My grief, depression and intense emotional reactions have nothing to do with my love for them. And everything to do with pain and STILL they are shaped and deeply affected by that in spite of “how much I love them”. My capacity for love and loving expands as I heal, and that is not nearly fast enough.
Seems like also, alcohol, drugs, sex, compulsive behaviors and suicide are highly predictable reactions to not learning to process, manage, and cope with difficulty. PRO-Tip for parents: Don’t do that to children and then also judge the fall out of your WILLFUL ignorance and egos or whatever led you to behave and fail them, in those ways. You cannot shame a child out of discomfort, anxiety, pain. Even if you pull off the illusion of a buttoned up child who is a pleaser, a healthy child will not naturally emerge, from those efforts. JILAN CATHERINE GHONEIM WHITNEY CATHERINE G WHITNEY
Where tf are children of unwell families to learn healthy coping…oh…in 12 step programs, as adults?Much Love,
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