Back to Step One

I have definitely lost touch with my higher power, indicated by my obsessive and anxious rehearsing and rehashing, the afterburn of having stood up for myself. Today, I must journal hard– about all of the things, over which I remain powerless. In my powerlessness, is my freedom. When I rely on my faith and recovery, my anxiety wanes and the quality of my life is elevated: AND I am able to rest peacefully in the satisfaction that my side of the street is clean.

The arrangement with my ex, in the last month, has literally sickened me(spiritually). I wanted to help him AND THEN for him to appreciate (BE SOMEONE HE IS NOT) or at the very least recognize and respect (AGAIN, BE SOMEONE HE IS NOT) my willingness to do so. I see that was my unwell thinking and should not feel shocked or hurt by the fact that he is still exactly who he has always been and promises to be. I am indeed the crazy one for having expected or hoped for anything other.

I am keenly aware that reprisal and retaliation are to be expected.  In my family of origin and his, clearly communicated boundaries are perceived and responded to, as a call to war. After all, who TF do I think I am?  

Such a bummer for the boys(and me)—We were juiced up on the holiday vibe and then– the thing.  Not only did he choose the hurtful thing, he chose to involve our children–selfish, dirty, unnecessary. I will be unsurprised if he finds an undesirable alternative for them and then presents that to them as the natural consequence of them having told me.

I have pre-empted this by telling our sons that he was lucky to have had my help and that he knowingly chose to jeopardize that by doing the thing and then involving them. My agreeing to help was foolish and stressful. The clear option to stop, presented itself, as a natural response to having our lil family treated as inconsequential. To those things and all people who CHOOSE to live this way, I say No More (for me). You be you, over there, on your time, in your space.

I am off to journal with actual pen and paper, now, as I have slipped deep into my spiritual malady- which tricks me into believing that I have the POWER to control anything besides my own attitude and behavior. I am powerless.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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