Healing is Excruciating

Because Sweet Greg did not flinch, pout, or punish me for declaring myself absolutely physically and emotionally unavailable for the weekend, I feel beyond humbled and blessed. There was no hint of guilt, shame, or fear intended to manipulate me into being, feeling, or offering what I simply could not.  What a gem of a huMAN—Strong, kind, humble, generous and trustworthy in ALL that he does. My Sweet Greg.

It is nothing short of a miracle to experience connection so pure. Another amazing thing is that I know better than to take his goodness personally. Sweet Greg is not these ways because of me or for only me. This is the way he moves through the world–unconditionally good.

To love and be loved in ways which feel wholesome and affirming is new and therefore challenging for me.  I look forward to getting better at it and wouldn’t it be nice if I could learn it all fast enough so that my sons might be spared some of the turmoil of my recovery. Grief and healing are messy, requiring time and work and a fuck-ton of solitude to rest.

My recovery continues to be a process rather than an event, which seems both exhausting and discouraging.  May I please just fucken learn it already– and be done? Nope. Like patience, it is a practice, calling for constant contrary action.  I guess that is why it is suggested that we do it one day at a time.

I will continue to work on myself. On days when my thoughts are less wholesome, I tend to prefer to work on others. hahaha– Laughing but not joking.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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