If it hurts me, it is bad for me

Have you known a person who can not see or admit when they have done harm by their words, choices, or actions? They tend to apologize profusely for circumstantial things that are either benign or out of their control–but not for their actual choices.

The term Sociopath refers to a person without conscience. That seems a bit harsh as I do enjoy some people (but do not necessarily trust) who literally cannot acknowledge, apologize for, or correct harmful behaviors. I am not able to say for sure if they possess the ability to self reflect and to recognize where they have done harm and maybe feel too proud or scared to admit– OR if they literally believe in their own infallibility. To that, I cannot relate—at all: not, to pride or even a hint of infallibility. I do now understand that for someone like me- quick to take blame/responsibility, desperate to understand, evolve, grow, connect, and heal–that it is unwise and unsafe to be in relationships with the perpetually right. They need for me to be wrong so they can feel right. They prefer to win against me, than with me. And always always when shit is going down they insist that they are either a victim or a hero.

I am learning more quickly to identify and navigate carefully around the zero-sum, never wrong, perfectionist types in the world outside of my trusted relationships. Distance is key- because people without conscience don’t mind hurting others in order to appear right, to get what they want and feel that they deserve. I choose only people who do mind hurting others, who feel remorse and are willing to reflect and adjust, when they have done the very human thing of messing up.

So, I see the definition of sociopath tends to include the word anti-social. And I seem mostly to be familiar with the type who enjoys shallow socializing to exercise polite smiles and charm as proof of tidy goodness- void of mess, mistakes, big feelings and issues. Maybe the zero-sum, finger pointer, deflection is just straight up narcissism. There does seem to be some crossover. I dunno what it is. I do know for certain that it hurts me and is therefore bad for me. That is some blackbelt recovery right there: “If it hurts me, it is bad for me.”

How I wish I had the means to conduct an actual study to find the connection between being a narcissist/sociopath and addiction and eating disorders. Also the connection to being raised or deeply affected by a narcissist and the need to flip out or numb TF out to cope. I feel strongly the two are not unrelated.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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