- All Special Days—Mother’s Day reminded me of the last time I sat with my mother and sister. I have a framed picture from that dinner, which I would like to smash with a hammer. It was Mother’s Day, 4 years ago. There, I was invited to a graduation dinner 3 weeks out, for the same night which we already had tickets to a concert. Sweet Greg bought the tickets in February as a V-day gift. They knew the Grad date for months. I apologized and reluctantly sent my ex with my children to the event while I attended a concert I could not enjoy and would be punished for attending. My sister, mother and ex-H used Grad night to plan a birthday gathering, for my son, which intentionally excluded me. (I know this because my mother inadvertently told me so, just as she confirmed that my sister had communicated her intent to limit contact between her children and me) Will I ever stop wondering: what TF could have been used to justify that level of betrayal and assault? What story about me makes that ok? What was I reported to have said or done which was so bad that nobody would communicate with me about IT or even to acknowledge the final loss of my mother at the time of her passing? WTF? All special days are tethered to historical pain— designed especially for me—by the people who loved me the very most.
- How my sister systematically maintained distance between her children and me while working behind the scenes with my ex to build relations with him and our sons. Why hoard your children and paw at mine, secretly and then call it family building? My niece’s birthday is approaching, thank goodness it is now also the same day we said goodbye to our Sweet Cooper and therefore makes sense to feel sad and to remember.
- Letting go of stuff over which I have no control–clearly
- Having had a sister dedicated to either cleverly punishing(while smiling and wearing all white), gifting, or declaring her attempts of rescuing me but who was neither kind nor safe , casually sharing the most private details of my struggles in ways which were unfavorable to me and couched in her deepest concern.
- Patience
- Gentleness
- Knowing what I enjoy
- Self-discipline
- Loud and/or repetitive sounds
- Knowing when to eat and how much to eat—my body literally does not send accurate messages in good timing. Shaky hands—time to eat. Stuffed to the point of near pain—time to stop eating.
- Pretending and ignoring—where TF are my dimmer switch and mute options?
- Accepting that the truth is the truth even if nobody believes it and a lie is a lie even if people believe it.
- Listening and paying attention, when I feel anxious
- Sensory overload
- Emotional overwhelm
- Food prep and clean up—everything about the sensation of food or a sponge on my hands makes me want to lose it. Even foods I like.
