Week Five

Unrelated things which I have thought or heard over the past five weeks:

Sometimes we need to explain or discuss things in order to gain a deeper understanding.  Explaining is not the same as excusing.  Some things will be unexplainable and some things, inexcusable.

An unspoken truth is still true.

Compassion and sympathy are rooted in the belief that we are all similar in that we each equally deserve to have our most basic human needs met and protected.

Some people will be obsessed with and offended by otherness.

My voice gets loud quickly and often without my awareness.  I am terrible at modulating.  I yell (raise my voice-get loud) without knowing or meaning- when I feel afraid. I was afraid for most of my life.

Who was your constant ally?  Who unfailingly believed in you and made you feel seen, safe, and connected? If you can name someone, you are blessed. In recovery I have learned to discern who is safe and wanting only the best for me and to give space to everyone else, when possible.

It is not possible to solve a problem you will not name, recognize, acknowledge.

Pessimists are always very certain that THEY ARE RIGHT.  Genuinely Optimistic people believe and accept that the future is uncertain.

I have recently learned and would like to remember the term obsequious. Remembering things has been a challenge.

Obsequious people are usually not being genuine; they resort to flattery and other fawning ways to stay in the good graces of those they are desperate to impress. I never knew the name for this type of vibe, only that it was unsafe and yucky in my gut to be near.

It is possible to give and to still not be generous.  Generosity is when I give to those who can do nothing for me and also giving without need for thanks, recognition or payback.

People lacking in empathy, compassion, and courage will insist the oppressed are responsible for their own oppression.  These same people assert that the absence of openly expressed discord is satisfactory evidence of cohesion, peace, and justice.  

This will not get any different if we continue to do what we are doing.

People lacking a power greater than themselves and their possessions are often hurtful and feel deeply guilty for things they have done with no one to forgive them.

I will literally obsess about and overindulge in nearly anything if I think it will make me feel different (with the exceptions of effective grocery shopping, cleaning ,and exercise—deep sigh)

This is week 5 Post-Op and I have now finished with all medications.  Surgery inconveniences me more than it frightens or upsets me.  However —the spinning and nausea from most every single medication I have ever taken, is terrifying–I have felt too spinny to legit rest/sleep, watch TV, or even check out with my phone.  Today is my first lucid day. And, I still feel unable to expand on a single one of these thoughts.  Today’s Goals: shower, put on fresh clothes, and walk for 20, maybe 30 minutes.  Having been up for 5 hours and not yet felt inclined to do those things, I will pray for some self discipline. Staying horizontal for 35 days has zapped whatever motivation I may have once had.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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