Me:  Pulls into second of two gas tanks at Costco.  Gets out of car and walks to pump as car at first tank pulls away.  Lady Woman behind me in her shiny Black Lexus sticks head out of window and asks/tells “please pull forward”.  With my car already off and reaching for the pump,  I say:  “Sorry. No.”

Lexus Driver grumbles, pulls forward to Tank#1, exits luxury vehicle, looks me in the eye and says “You are a real bitch, you know that?”

Me:  “OK”– My son lost his mind that I said “ok”. He thinks I should have told her to relax. hahahaha

OMGeeee.  Seriosuly.  Pre-recovery me wanted to tell her about herself, or at the very least defend why it made more sense for her to just pull TF in, like a normal human. Unrecovered me would have felt I should have, that she was more important/worthy than me, more white than me, more thin, less sweaty, better dressed, coiffed(but lame) hair, spotless and expensive vehicle.  

Me, gassing up my Pollen covered Subaru, in Cargo pants and tank, tattoos, sweat, whatever –wondering if I was wrong for not obliging (MY CAR WAS OFF AND I WAS AT THE PUMP THO). I may be difficult at times, but this was not that. On sight, she might appear the finer human.  Right?  Old me might have beleived so…and wanted to please or impress her. She was out of line, imposing by asking and N.A.S.T.Y. for feeling entitled to speak to me that way. Clearly, she felt wronged. I had to check in with Favorite to get her take. She said she might have pretended to not hear, and if that did not work– gotten back in the car and moved up, while feeling resentful and self-loathing.

This woman’s nastiness made ME doubt MYSELF.  It is triggering AF to be bullied… by this type….and in her mind I bet she thinks I bullied her by saying no.  Dude, pull your car around.  It is not a big deal.  Bullying someone for not doing what as you wish, is a big deal.  I feel sorry for those dealing with her regularly — guessing that she is highly vocal in her HOA, church, kids’ school or whatever. 

While I did nothing wrong, I am unnerved by this–the familiar irony of hostile aggression along side upright appearance.  Why must I still feel responsible for someone else’s abusive and inappropriate behavior? I did not make her be, say, or do anything. That is who she is. Unrecovered me wants to excuse her and blame myself. And also tell her to go fk herself.

I am a work in progress.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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