So…. One of my tattoos is the word “mercy”.

MERCY:  compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.   

It was around age 30 when I was first able to discern those rare and random occasions(while with my FOO, and then my marriage) in which I could sense moments of non-banishment.  Not due to kindness, compassion, empathy, or even mercy. Those were simply the times in which I happened to present as useful, amusing, pleasing, pleased (rarely this) and not needing.  Most especially the latter.  Not overtly desiring or or expressive of a need for anything, which was not freely offered(or collectively appreciated) was the requirement. So basically shutting TF up, getting small, and denying my reality.  I was terrible at this.  Put out or be put out. No mercy.  No love.  No acceptance.  No safety. Only eggshells and shame…oh, and rage, of course. A fuk-ton of anger. My FOO and marital home houses literally pulsed with rage, both unspoken and screamed.

It was very fucked up and also unsustainable.

So, now that I am super in the know(lol- total newb- love rookie, actually), I absolutely love love love the practice of being merciful.  I am frequently in a state of disbelief that MERCY is even a real thing that we can learn, do,  model for our children and practice with those whom we have decided to judge as least deserving.  I had previously come to learn that they (we) were meant for punishing, withholding, and pushing to the margins.  Dismiss, ignore, invalidate, smear, withhold, destroy.  Super Hitlery and terrifying.   PSA:  Nobody’s worth can be proved or disproved.  Efforts to do either are proof of unwellness and brokenness at the deepest levels.  I am now gratefully in recovery— unlearning the things that made me believe and then behave badly.  

Anyway, on a less meta note:  I am heading out to play with Favorite and her niece for a few hours before Sweet Greg arrives.  Boys are with their dad, so perhaps also I will get the house tidied, while I contemplate mercy and try to be receptive to Sweet Greg’s unconditional love. After nearly 6 years, it can still feel unnatural, uncomfortable, and completely fkn unbelievable.

I am a work in progress.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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