dis-GRACEd

Ruminating (ok, obsessing) on the concept of grace and how I feel nearly frantic (obvi) that my boys may not learn to value grace, as a way of being. Intentionally evolving enough to choose and do (or not do) a thing because it is wholesome, kind, generous, considerate, connective…..rather than doing only the things which serve, suit or favor them. I can name only one person throughout both sides of “their” genetic families, who moves through the world with grace (and near superhuman benevolence)…and my boys have no access to her– Thanks to the handiwork of their dad and my female sibling–doing only and exactly as they like, at my sons’ immeasurable expense. That unholy alliance cost my boys their nuclear family and extended family. Catherine G Whitney Ghoneim Charlotted, NC

There have been exactly zero times when someone in my family of origin and my marriage (his family of origin) in which I observed people doing the things (they did not prefer) with grace. If and when one of them did so, it was because they felt strong armed and therefore resentful and owed….no genrosity of spirit. NONE. No grace, but managing their face so that it was arranged properly(the optic) while also mentally scheming how to extract their due.

It feels devastating to think of my boys carrying on those ways of being, particularly with each other. They deserve to learn to want and support the best for each other…to genuinley want the best— for all people. Wanting the goodness and blessings for only your self and your “people” is very non-gracey. Non-wholesome and Non-badass.

I continue working on myself.

While the choices I make are of grace, my frequent intense emotional reactions, are not- They may be explained (but not excused) by C-PTSD- hard-wired reacting to “triggers”— words, faces, tones, lies, indifference, selfishness, dismissiveness, sneakyness as an immediate dangerous threat/assault. I apologize immediately and remind them: 1- When I do THAT, that is my pain and unwellness, unhealedness. 2- It is not fair or right and they do not deserve it. 3- My inappropriate reaction is my problem and my responsibiltiy and ALSO in no way takes them off the hook for their parts.

Apologizing is natural for me. I was the family apologizer- born sorry. I was always sorry and desperately apologizing for feeling and acting in DISGRACEFUL ways, as well as for causing others to feel and act in unfortunate ways.

And now, I have one son who is leaning toward family apologizer and another who literally can find no wrong in anything he says or does. We remain painfully divided in our family of four: those who can do no wrong, and the rest of us.