Visits with my friend in the mountains continue for 5 days at a time every other week which works well for us. He and I each unapologetically require stretches of solitude. The hardest part of the arrangement, for me, is that I surrender much needed separation from all others- so that we may enjoy each other- only on my child-free weeks. It has now been 5 months and I look forward to the time when introducing him to my sons feels appropriate, necessary, and fun, perhaps this summer.
Since my friend in the mountains is retired and has no children, his daily (fully autonomous) life resumes when we part, while I am left with less time to recover from being on earth, in a body, with other humans, as a single mom and dedicated employee. It is hard. Balance is key. We are still figuring it out. Solitude without meaningful and sustainable connection is no good just as connection without sustained solitude has felt both unmanageable and unsatisfying.
Fortunately, my bed and office space in my home are absolutely perfect for me-especially with proximity to zero other two legged beings. So, while I cry at our good byes, time all to myself, in my home does please, relieve and soothe me. What a blessing and a miracle— to have a home I love – where I feel safe – physically & mentally able to relax….while also having a cool relationship to explore, as I heal, recover, and get to learn and practice more wholesome connection.
The intensity of affection (for lack of a perfect word) and appreciation I feel for my friend in the mountains is overwhelming. I cry frequently and a lot—-from feeeeeling so deeply. And while he does not relate to my need to cry, he also does not mind or judge. He tells me that the best thing about me is that I continue to be exactly who and how I claim to be. This is the most honest realtionship I have had. If not for the politics, I would also have said that about my previous relationship (before the 2016 election- six of the seven years called for levels odf denying and pretending which made me feel dead inside, disconnected, resentful, and ashamed).Much Love,
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