Thank You for Teaching Me

And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith in my potential to thrive—not just to survive what it means to live within my own skin and mind.

The cunning and psychopathic game of golden child v. scapegoat is devastating, mostly to the scape goat, though the the designated Golden One will insist they are the victim, because on the surface, it can appear that way.  The abuse is subtle and calculated, but the reactions tend to be overt and hysterical for apparently no reason.  Golden (favored) One comes to believe in their own impeccability because by comparison, they are clearly the good one in this zero-sum game.  Seriously, it as if her goodness existed only in the presence of my “badness”. One winner, one loser.

Reporting recent and finally observable actions and written words— (Golden One got sloppy, imposing visibly harmful and hostile initiatives when I refused to engage as I had historically.  She had nothing to work with but her own rage)—I detail the behaviors to support “precious others”–to share with them what they cannot yet see or say for themselves. Sharing allows for the shedding of shame and myths of unworthiness.  Being treated poorly and handling it even more poorly SUCK.  I was never a good abuse getter( I was good at earning it apparently, but not responding to it in ways that were not diminishing to myself and others). I own that!  Total Fail.

Recovery offers me choices (boundaries) I could not have recognized as a child and then a disturbed young adult.  It was news to me to learn that– I am not required to show up for what feels abusive…and when threatened, I am allowed to detach and disengage. There is the claim that my declining of invitations to pretend abusive things are not said and done—equals me abandoning them, while at the same time they smugly need to believe they discarded me and pride themselves on their generous and benevolent declaration that “She is welcome to join anytime”  Yeh, no.  Not available for that anymore.

Learning and changing are uncomfortable.  Remaining in a non-wholesome-love- arrangement makes me feel unstable, unable to cope and thrive.  Why would I choose that?

I am proud of the woman I am becoming and what they taught me. I am a #workinprogress not a #historicalrevisionist as they like to say. I was there. I know my experience.  Anyone compelled to debate or judge that gets all the space they need to do so.  Join me for healing or we part ways.  Either way, thank you for teaching me.  I rise.