Maybe I Am

I see now how my ability to develop or pursue creativity or ambition of any sort, was stunted. I became crazed by my need for vigilance, and wasted from the futility of my uninformed efforts to prevent, predict, understand, cope: “what tf just happened and why?”. I felt equally panicked about what was to come. There was not space or support for me to learn how to live. I missed out on what was happpening in the moment because I was spinning from a previous interaction and fearful of the next. I missed out on learning opportunities for so many of the things you just come to know, from being in the world with role models and guided by even one mentally healthy person. I am now, still, recovering from that struggle and am hopeful that I may some day, derive a more purposeful, joyful, creative life. It is as if my identity and ability to hope and dream were erased replaced by the constant panic of being.

My boys’ father recently shared with them how he would like to attend a therapy session with me, just -so the therapist can agree with him verify that I am crazy. Like what sort of individual suggests therapy for that purpose? Why would a person pretend to want therapeutic counselling for anything other than for each party to gain wisdom into what (s)he may do better or differently in order to bring healing, growth, peace and trust to the relationship. And who would not be crazed by being forced to deal with and navigate a person who maneuvers in this way?

There is a continued lack of interest in self reflection, along side his only value- to be right, and to have everyone agree —at all costs. Literally, all! My boys are like “But mom maybe if you do go, the therapist will see through him and things can start to be better. Can you please give it a chance?” My answer is no. I officially know better than to offer time, energy, money(all in short supply) to engaging with someone dedicated only to their rightness. I would surely end up hysterical and rocking in the corner…and to him –his point would be made. See? She is like that.

True, I am easily overwhelmed by over-head and bright lighting, most sounds, smells, or touches and am therefore more prone to quickly feeling unravelled by things which feel like additional threats to my ok-ness- in a world which is, for me, beyond overstimulating. And– even if I am— the worst kind of insane, it does not at all, exhonnerate another from their dishonest and degrading tactics. Both the boys’ father and my female sibling hold tight to the notion that IF they can convince my children and others, of my wrongness (not of any act in particular–just of who I am), then they have effectively established themselves as right, good, correct, better. Like, what… so then they get a pass on morality and are excused from examination of their behaviors and contributions??

TRUTH: I have been deeply wounded and I do have large reactions. Not a secret or a source of shame. And, I am an open book, transparent and direct and my boys are learning to trust what they see and experience, first hand. Rather than the narratives about me, which have been offered. I remind them: Please don’t worry about believing EITHER me OR him. Just practice believing what you know, experience, and observe. Patterns don’t lie. You know what you see and what you hear. And you know the value of kindness, honesty, and honor. Only doubt those who prefer for you to doubt yourselves.

I cannot help but ask though—what kind of sick fk requests to go to a counsellor with the intent to make the other fall apart— as proof. I 100% promise, if a person cooly misrepresents, with both confidence and authority, to me and about me, and I cannot exit the situation, I will lose my shit. But what does this prove? My fragility is not evidence of their strength.

Apparently my boys’ father now has a girlfriend of 2 months who gladly fans the flames for him, just as my sister did. God help my sons. In my 6+ years with Sweet Greg, my boys have not heard him speak ill of their dad, same with Favorite. So while I do many things incorrectly or poorly, I have gotten this right. I will continue placing them only in the presence of people, who pull and work for healing and peace.

In a zero sum game, there is one wrong person and one right person. So, I suppose, in this way, that if you prove another’s wrongness, you by default, have proven and established your rightness. Really tho? Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Catherine Ghoneim Whitney Catherine G Whitney

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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