Qualities which I treasure, not like I am compelled to get to know or call a person a friend, or enter into a relationship, just a deep respect and appreciation for:
Kindness, not friendly so much or social, just kind—chooses benevolence as a way of life
Honesty– chooses difficult truths over comfortable lies
Humility and flexible mind set- will unflinchingly acknowledge when they have done wrong or caused injury and more interested in learning, understanding, growing, and healing, than in being right. Also, enjoys laughing at their own mistakes, AND humbly and honestly accepting that they do not always know the answer or solution….because no human can.
Gratitude– People who notice and appreciate what they have and the good done by others, even when it does not benefit them directly and immediately or at all….and especially when it does.
Sweet Greg is all of these things, without fail. Six and a half years – consistently and unquestionably so! I do have confidence that I too live in these ways, but my harsh brittle, broken, sharp edges could make it harder to recognize in me. Like these things in me may pale in comparison to the manifestations of my grief and pain. My “flipping out” steals the show and tries, successfully even, to define me- and is affirming for those who need for me to be wrong, less than, and crazy.
By this code, my choices are things to feel proud of (fn miraculous). My emotional reactions are still NOT.
Characteristics and behaviors which are triggering (af) for me-
Ruthlessness- people who will stop at nothing to get their way, their will be done…. at all costs.
Arrogance- alllways right, a hero, savior, or victim—quick to assign blame and condemn and snatch at credit
Entitlement – I feel like entitlement is the product of absolute lack of humility and gratitude. It sickens and unnerves me to be in close proximity to the entitled.
Hypocrisy — hypocrites- When people righteously act in conflict with their own stated moral standards and values—because the inconvenience or personal costs(to them, in a particular moment or situation) outweigh the virtue of acting with morality and integrity.
I am meeting with outside help this week, to try and get a handle on my intense reaction to being in close relationship to those who tend to be triggering for me in these ways, since one of them, I gave birth to. And my reactions are in all likelihood more damaging than their less than wholesome choices and behaviors. I hate this truth, the most painful one of my life. Ok, maybe second most painful.
Each of the triggering ways is common, even normalized. I must be intentional about learning to cope and live with it because, it is just a fact of life. I am powerless over others and am equally powerless over my feelings about them. I would very much like to learn to experience sustainable peace no matter how disturbing I find a person to be….especially if I love them, not like love, the feeling, but love (the verb), like wanting only the best for them and sparing them the harm of my reactions, without having to be “no contact”.
My nervous system is so utterly dysregulated and fucked up and deserving of some healing. Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney Catherine G Whitney Randy Dean Ross Maggie GhoneimMuch Love,
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