Unfit

Any form of antihistamine, the smallest dose results, for me, in emotionally violent nightmares. Even antihistamine eye drops, which seems unreasonable, since they are not ingested, dammit.  Desperate for relief from itchy, burning & tearing eyes – I enthusiastically applied my Zatidor eye drops, and what do you know? I passed the night navigating one rigorus and disturbing high definition ordeal.

In my eye drop induced terror, an order had been issued – to eliminate certain individuals, all of whom had no affiliation with one another.  In the dream, I was age 9 or 10, alone, and on the run. And it was as though we were in both Fayetteville, NC and Cairo, Egypt- simultaneously, like a hybrid of the two cities. I don’t recall that there was a name for our unfortunate classification (the persona non grata).  But, in the dream we were easily recognizable and targeting and diminishing one of us was deemed permissable and recreational, by the ruling class.

For outcasts wishing to circumvent elimination: First, someone from the in-group would need to vouch for us and if we were vouched for (worthiness- by proxy) then we were offered the opportunity  to establish our willingness and dedication: watching or participating in the compromising of people, animals, the planet…and consuming Fear-Factor type delicacies. 

So,  I woke with a racing heart in a sweat drenched bed—after days, fleeing, from aggressively smiling members of all ages from the ruling class– intent on “getting” me, through unfamiliar and scary third-worldy alleys – stashing my long brown awkard frame under and behind literally anything large enough — because NOBODY would vouch for me. Then also, if even one person had been willing to claim me, I was unwilling incapable of committing the “acts of dedication and willingness”.

If I had been granted the right to remain living, under those terms and condtions, what quality of life would have been feasible?

My ironclad unworthiness and unwillingness affirmed just how dissimilar and UNFIT I was.

Since I was not yet a mom, I am clueless as to why I dedicated any effort to avoiding elimination. Baffling, really. Why would I try so hard to be in a world surrounded only by people who could find no good in me and who generously offered non-love?

The dream is clearly symbolic and came on the heels of Mothers’ Day. There is just no relief, not even from my allergies. At least, those are seasonal.