mental illness

Ugh…my boys deserve much much more than they are being allowed.   Deep sigh.  I am more tired of this grief than anyone is of hearing about it.  The most painful part is that my family denies that there is anything to grieve and that my need to do so, is further proof of my well-earned banishment, and overall defective and troublesome existence.  I have committed to the process of releasing my family, all of them.  I don’t know why I thought my mother’s cancer or my move here would have changed anything.  It really did not, it changed my geography and my willingness to show up– to be of service at a critical time.  And it allowed  for my ex and my sister to get to know each other and to enjoy(while denying) a shared contempt for me.  They both get the ultimate triumph at the expense of my innocent young sons.  I divorced myself from each of them for identical reasons and now they are affirmed and gleefully(no joke) united.  Seriously, is it acceptable anywhere for a woman to bond with her sister’s ex at sister’s children’s expense?  I cannot help but judge.  I see why my ex is into it.  Totally.  He is far more forgivable here than she is..I guess because she claims to care so deeply for family and my sons-but these actions are so diametrically opposed to family values or any values, really.  When I asked him to step away so that maybe we could heal, he laughed and said; “Why should I?  They have zero intent to work it out with you.”  I suggested that he might then for the sake of our children.  Deep sigh.   (more…)